Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

How to get over my past with my mom and just move on?

I really want a better relationship with my mom, but I don’t know how to because I can’t get over how she treated me growing up. And I’m so embarrassed to say it. 

I’m 20 years old, and I still think about what my mom used to do to me. Does anyone have any suggestions for just letting go?

For context: I used to be my mothers least favorite among her 3 kids. Still am her least favorite actually but not the point. I made one mistake my freshman year of high school, and my mom tried to ruin my life over it. I smoked weed and she found out. Rather than just grounding me for a month, she took my phone and I had to stay in my room whenever I was home for 6 months straight. No socialization, wasn’t even allowed to talk to my siblings. Just 6 months of being locked in my room. Once I got my freedom back after 6 months of hell, I made another mistake. I went to McDonald’s  after school and didn’t let her know. She took my phone for about the next two years, wouldn’t allow me to play sports or join any clubs. Wasn’t allowed to go to any school sanctioned events. Wasn’t allowed to have friends. I didn’t have a friend at my house for over 2 years. Wasn’t allowed to go to anyone’s house either for 2 years. Everyone at school thought something was wrong with me.

My mom deleted everything picture she had of me when I was in high school. And since I never had a phone or friends, I have no memories. Not a single picture. It’s like she made me not exist.

How do I let go and move on?

Update:

There’s a lot more to the story. My mother was very abusive. One time I had to stay on a couch for 2 weeks straight, could only leave to go to the bathroom and school. She would tell family and friends that I’m a drug addict even though I was just a scared 15 year old girl. Her actions led to me getting bullied at school, I even got beat up by another student. I can’t tell my mom that her actions still affect me to this day because she will hate me. I just want to move on at this point. 

Update 2:

Lastly, I tried to kill myself because of my mom. She caught me in the act, and told me I’m doing to wrong and showed me a better way that would actually kill me. Then walked out of the room.  It permanently ****** me in the head. Don’t know what to do. How do I just forget about everything 

Update 3:

Thank you all for the kind responses and even sharing your own stories as well, means a lot! I actually have a fantastic job in the mortgage industry and my boyfriend and I just purchased our first home! Pretty incredible to think about considering I am 20. I wish my mom could see how far I’ve come and how successful I am compared to everyone else my age but it is what it is. I will continue to work on healing myself and let me mom just be. 

35 Answers

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  • car253
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your mom is very abusive.    You need to seek counseling if you haven't already.  

    Sorry but there is no easy way to get over what your mom did to you. 

    The best thing is to move out of her house and stay away and never talk to her again.      Send her a message.   Stay away and do not talk to her.   

  • Good
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    You were severely abused.  I don't think there is a fix for that.  You break contact and walk away, then you may have to deal with guilt inside your head, feeling like you did the wrong thing or that you have some sort of obligation to her.  Any guilt eases over time.  The worst thing you can do is to keep going back and reinfecting the wound you are trying to heal.  She will never see things differently.  There is nothing you can do about that.  You can just move forward and make your own life.  Put it out of your mind when terrible memories of the past creep in.  Just live for today and plan for tomorrow.  That's what I do.  It keeps me sane.

    .

  • 1 month ago

    Sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away.

    But before you do this there's a Bible principles to guide you

    The Bible says that the insight of a man slows down his anger 

    what that means is, that if you can look at your mother's past maybe find out how she grew up and was treated it may give you a little insight into the way she treated you

    It does not excuse the things she has done

     but it may help you to understand that abuse sometimes can be generation

    And also a Bible principle help us to understand that forgiveness comes from the heart

     so that means that we have to examine our heart 

    but if we can find a place and a basis to be forgiving.

    It sounds like you have broken the cycle of abuse by living your life

    Bringing up the past to your mother about how she treated you may not get the results that you would like

     most abusers don't even acknowledge the fact that they were an abuser

    Try this test with your boyfriend hold up a mirror have him look into the mirror at himself

    Then ask him to look into the mirror tell him all the ugly things that he has done 

    Take note: that his first reaction will be to remove the mirror or turn away from the mirror

     no one likes to see themselves  who they truly are

    Even though what you show them is the truth it often doesn't receive the results we would hope for

    Learning what the Bible says about these things can be a comfort especially in these trying times

     I'll leave a reference source for you it may be helpful

    Source(s): Jw.org
  • 1 month ago

    Listen to me carefully:  YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION to be friends with an abusive person. NONE. Not even if that person is a parent. Not even if that person is mentally ill and you can find reasons to mitigate their behavior.  For your own sanity and mental health, you should seek out a therapist to help you understand this. Toxic people and toxic relationships rarely change. They are always going to be toxic. You can FORGIVE, but you don't have to FORGET--or condone--or put it "behind you" or try to make it better. 

    Forgive your mother and live a better life without her. You survived the abuse--now use that survival skill you learned to make your OWN life better and do not get pulled back into her world where she can continue abusing you. I am so sorry for your pain and your experiences--but I've learned that you cannot change some people and you shouldn't try. You Do need someone to talk to about it, though--to help you see clearly that this is her pattern of behavior, and as long as you put yourself in her way, she will use you as a punching bag physically and emotionally. That's no way to live and it's no way to make your life better. She will not see your success and make herself any different--so don't try to show her; and you don't have to "let go" completely. This type of experience may not be something you dwell on, but you certainly don't have to feel like it needs to be erased, either. It's part of who you are--and it made you a better person. If you have to think about something, think about that. 

    Congratulations on coming out of that deep well. Continue to climb. 

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  • 1 month ago

    Even by writing this post it shows you care and genuinely want a relationship to work with her. Remember, you're an adult now. No longer a child to be controlled or told what you can and cannot do. Would it be possible to sit and chat with her about how you are feeling? Starting with something like "i love you, but there are some things I need to get off my chest about the past that I'm struggling to move on from". 

    The only thing you can do is reach out, be the bigger person and give it a shot with her. If you want a relationship with your mum, give it a go and try hard to make things better. Remember you can't expect the same thing from them. But be the best you can be to her. See where it goes. Then at least you can say you have given it a shot. Everyone wants family to work, and trust me you aren't the only one in this situation. One step at a time. Try to arrange some quality time with her too, have a nice day together and try to chat about it then. Good luck with everything!!! Wishing you all the best.

  • d00ney
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Mums have a terrible time, because they are always right. The first thing I suggest is to deal with your mum. Parents never let you grow up. We say that you are old enough to know better, but never let you grow up. Now you are an adult but who is in control of you life now. If your mum kept a tight rein on you when you were a teenager, I rather suspect she will keep a tight grip on everyone in the house.

    First let’s correct what I may consider to be your mistakes. The first mistake is considering yourself, so it seems to me, not being as loved and respected as your siblings. Now whether it is a fact or not is irrelevant. People are people and people have favourites. However, you are making an assumption that is prejudicing your thinking. I am sure you regard yourself as worthy as your siblings and that is how you should present yourself. I would suggest that if you reckon that you are not flavour of the month that is how you will present yourself and that is how you will be treated.

    The second mistake is not apologising. It might be difficult if your mother does not accept your apologises, and the third is not forgiving. The number one person you have to forgive is yourself. You may have to turn to God to make this real. We have this promise that if we forgive we will be forgiven. As you can see punishment or sanction does not deal with it, but rather builds up resentment. Yes I would suggest that you forgive your mother for the resentment that has built up within you, so that you can let it go. You will probably feel better for it.

    The next thing is to find and live your dream. Be that princess you wanted to be when your were a little girl. If you have lost your dream: find one. Dreams are so important because they set our direction and give us purpose in life. They also help us to overcome obstacles and to set goals.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Get therapy for yourself. 

    Realize the chances of your mom changing are pretty much nil unless she goes to therapy and can admit her own problems. 

    So do you want a relationship with her as she is? How is that going to help you? If you act like nothing was ever wrong, how does that help your relationship. That only works for your mom. Not you or the relationship between you.

    Get yourself together,  with  a job, health insurance. Move out. 

    You main goal now should be getting out her house. Getting therapy for yourself.  

    It took me years to figure out how mentally ill my mother is.  It would have been better for me to distant myself completely from her. To heal and take care of myself first. And find some confidence.    I don’t think she is capable  of thinking she did wrong or getting help.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I am sorry to hear your story.I could not imagine a mother could be  so abusive if she is educated . It appears that you  are also responsible for the situation.Are you really a drug addict.Did you always act against her wishes..It will be difficult to change her if you stay with her.So if you can , find a suitable job, find a place to stay far away and lead an independent life.But in any case  using drugs etc will not be liked by anybody including your future husband and children and it is in your own interest to avoid drugs and hard drinks.If your mother does not like your presence, do not visit her also.You are the captain of your soul, whether to make the life or break the life is in your hands.So act intelligently. lead a  fruitful life and be happy.

  • 1 month ago

    move on ,, I did not speak with my mover for most of 25 years....

    you are over focused on nonsense like the lack of photos... if that rules you... you are already destroyed 

    at age 20 you have lots of time to make new memories .. but if you choose to wallow in self pity you will never be happy  

    it is a simple choice

    get a job and become self reliant ... any job--- do not whine it is not a dream job 

    Do not depend on some boy/man to come along and save you 

    a self reliant women is a good one and you want to be a good one 

    note my mom is old now (40 years later) and lost some memory her favorite son and daughter died leaving me and my other sister to see her this way and take care of her.. (mostly my sister) -- hate inside of you hurts you not them ,, stop living a martyr life thinking that hurts them .... find a small happy life 

  • blank
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Reading your story makes me sad.  I am so sorry for what you have been put through.

    Unfortunately no one on here will be able to give you the long term help and support that you will need to rebuild yourself.   In short - there is no quick solution to what ails you.

    If ever there was a person that needs the support and guidence of a licensed professional therapist - it certainly sounds like you.

    Talk to your Dr or clergy person and ask for a referral to one.  IF you cannot afford it, there ARE low cost / no cost support centers out there.  Find one, start talking to a therapist asap.

    It will take a lot of hard work to rebuild yourself esteem and learn the tools to cope not only with your past - but any FUTURE contact you might have with mom.   You can walk away and never look back, but that does not mean SHE will stay out of your life.  Since you cannot control her, you will need to know how to deal with her when she pops up.

    Good luck.  I sincerely hope you get the help you need and find the happiness you deserve.

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