Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

I don't want to bail my son out of jail for robbing someone's house. Is it my responsibility or not my problem if he is a grown adult?

He's had problems all throughout his teenage years being in and out of jouvie. I was shocked and heartbroken he turned out this way because his father and myself have always tried our hardest and put in our best effort to raise him right and give him a wonderful life. I don't know what we did to deserve this.

I've tried putting him in counselling a couple times but as neither of our jobs had benefits, I couldn't afford it after a while nor could we afford the medication they wanted us to put him on. We figured those doctors were nothing more than pill poppers and so we didn't want to waste our money on a diagnosis that was most likely b.s. 

As I said before, he was a very well mannered, happy child. Like most problematic teens, his behavior took a complete 180 the moment he became 13. He's 21 now and I've just had it with his crap. He can get a job (As he's a very capable human being with a fully abled body), he just chooses not to work. Of course, he gets involved with gangs and the whole nine yards, and my husband and I want nothing to do with those people coming by our house any longer; so that's another plus for us with him being in jail. 

He has a trial within the next month and a half due to some other charges that were placed against him in the past. I just can't do this anymore and I'm so tired of this being a major part of my life, I don't even want to attend the trial and neither does my husband/his father.

Is this really our fault and do we deserve any blame?

16 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    No, its his problem. Time that he pays for doing wrong. If you are contacted by authorities, tell them, you do not want him in your home. Or move out of state while he is in jail, with no forwarding address. If he goes to court, you tell his lawyer, he is no longer welcome at your home and he will need a new place to live. Maybe one day he will wake up. You did your best, it was up to him to turn bad, not you. You have to give up on  him now.

  • 1 month ago

    Part of his problem is most likely the result of your bailing him out and supporting his criminal activities by continuously doing so. If he had learned the hard way as a young teen, perhaps he wouldn't be in lock-up now. It's now time to let him receive his due punishment and hope he learns from it

  • East
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    He's an adult and hasn't learned lessons yet.  Let him learn lessons the hard way; it'll do him some good in the long run. It isn't productive to determine who's at fault or who deserves blame, but he's an adult and needs to be responsible for his own actions now.  

  • 1 month ago

    I think it’s disgusting that you’re considering not attending. He is your SON! I understand you’re frustrated, but this does not give you the right to give up on him. People that associate themselves with gang members are often deeply troubled, and in need of help, and as a mother you want to give up?! 

    He NEEDS these counsellors and you need to help by understanding. I definitely don’t think you should bail him out of jail, because doing so gives him a cop out. He needs to be punished so he can learn and pay for what he’s done. But you also need to support him

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

     my heart goes out to you. he is an adult now and responsible for his own actions. maybe  if he does some time in jail, he will realize why he is in trouble.

  • 1 month ago

    He knows right from wrong, its on him. Could you have been a better parent, probably so. After all, who couldn't have? At 21 years old, everything he does from here on out is up to him. Nobody likes a thief...let him stew on that for a while.

  • 1 month ago

    I think that parents tend to blame themselves and be blamed by society to a greater degree than they are really responsible. Meaning, there are lots of people who had crappy childhoods of abuse and neglect, malnutrition and lack of supervision, poverty, etc... and most don't break the law. Most manage to not rob houses. I don't think it's your job to continuously bail him out and make excuses for him. 

  • 1 month ago

    I feel there is a LOT more to this story than you are willing to cop to-

    "His behaviour took a complete 180 the minute he turned 13"- This is a load of **** on your end! You knew there were red flags but you chose to ignore them, also YOU refused to get him professional help because you thought you knew best, you essentially played god with someone else's life here. You ask yourself if you deserve blame? 100%! Your job as a parent IS to look out for your child, but you didn't, instead you chose to let your pride and arrogance dictate things, this is the result of that!

    As for the decisions he has made in his adult life? Those are on him, he is responsible for the consequences of said actions. I totally understand you wanting to seperate yourself from the violence/chaos that goes on, and you have every right to refuse contact with him until he cleans his act up.

    As for the bail? I honestly think you should let him sit in jail,he needs a serious wake up call here.

  • 1 month ago

    Hard for you. Obviously we can't tell whether or not you are at fault or to what degree - but you could try asking him. You probably have. No parents are perfect.

    I think you probably do love your son. Not his behaviour of course. Your support probably means more to him than you think. If you really feel you might have made mistakes with your son - and we all do - can you bite the bullet and attend the trial just to show him that you love him? 

    Good Luck!

  • fcas80
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I am sorry for your problems.  You have done the best you can, but if he is 21 he is now entirely responsible for his own decisions.

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