Should I still give a wedding gift to my best friend's daughter?

The daughter of my best friend, Pauline, is getting married. We have been friends for many years. When her daughter graduated, we helped set up the tent, tables, chairs and decorations for the party. And we gave a gift. When Pauline’s father passed away, we went to the funeral, paid for a hotel, gas, helped set up for the reception, helped to clean the hall when it was over and paid for food for the family so they wouldn’t have to cook. When Pauline got married many years ago, I was a bridesmaid. I paid for an expensive dress that I really couldn’t afford just to be part of the wedding. She had four bridal showers; gifts were expected at each one (I only attended one). Every other year Pauline would have a big birthday party for her daughter and we were supposed to bring a gift. My family has paid for a lot of things for her family. All I ever expected was a thank you. I told Pauline months in advance when my daughter would be graduating. I wanted to give her plenty of time to make arrangements. It was very important to my daughter that she be there. Pauline claimed she forgot, then asked her boss who said it was too late. My daughter was heart broken, my husband mad. No one in Pauline’s family even sent a card. I have tried talking to Pauline about these things, her answer is always “I know, I know”. Now her daughter is getting married. A gift is expected again. Thing is, I feel guilty for not wanting to give a gift. Am I wrong? I feel like a doormat.

19 Answers

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  • Good
    Lv 6
    2 weeks ago

    Give a gift this time but make it the final event.

    Future events can be met with the famous, "I forgot"  and then the "I know, I know."

    What goes around, comes around.

    Some friendships are not meant to last forever.

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    It seems you need to come to terms with not everyone will do for you what you will do for them.  Some people are givers and some are takers, if you're been friends for "many years" you should know which one she is.

    Gifts for a wedding are always optional.   A wedding/bridal shower is a gift giving event, thus gifts are expected if you attend.  The point of a shower is to " shower" the honoree with gifts they will want/need whether it be for a wedding or a baby.

    You seem fairly dramatic here too.  I have friends who my kids have known all their lives, none of them would be heartbroken though if my friend did not attend their event.  Depending on the person they may be disappointed, but not heartbroken.  Either way, they'd move on with life.

    You also seem to have a tit for tat system here.  If one of my friends didn't show up for my kids graduation, I wouldn't take it out on their kid in retaliation.  I have friends I know who are flakes but I don't have any issues with their kids.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Some people are "takers".  They only think of themselves or only their family.  I would be cutting ties with her now and don't look back.  You give because you want to give, not because you expect something in return.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    The gift is kind of irrelevant to the reality that you and this "best friend" don't really seem to be all that friendly anymore. You've got a lot of hostility built up over this person and maybe now would be a good time to try to clear the air with her. 

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  • Trish
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Maybe you aren't the friends you thought you were.  I would cut my losses.

  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Her claim she forget is a insult to you. I mean really she forgot?  It wasn’t important to her at all to be there other wise she would of been there.  So how do you want to move forward with this friendship?  What is your relationship with her daughter.  Do you want to give her a gift? Forget about her mother and expectations.  

    Are you ok with continuing this friendship or not. 

    I would send a modest gift and well wishes to the bride and groom. 

    Then let the friendship fade. Don’t go to her family events

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Gifts are always at the discretion of the giver.  If you don't want to give one, you are under no obligation to.

    IMO it's childish to not give a wedding gift to Bob and Jane because you're mad at Jane's mother.

    "A gift is expected again."   How do you know this?  Expected by whom? 

    Stop confusing mother with groom-in-law and bride. 

  • 1 month ago

    So...

    1. A gift may be expected by a bride but a gift is never required for a wedding even if you attend the ceremony. If you don't want to give a gift, don't.

    2.  You feel hurt that your friend doesn't show friendship the way you do. That's between the two of you. This isn't news.  She's been this way for years. If you don't want to be her friend, that's up to you, but don't expect her to change or show her friendship in the way you seem to want her to.

    3.  You seem bitter and focused on how much money you've spent doing things that you voluntarily chose to do. Why?  All bridesmaids pay for their dresses in the US.  All  people who choose to attend an out-of-town event pay for their travel. No one forced you to participate.

    4. A wedding gift is a way of wishing the couple well as they embark on a new life together.  You certainly don't have to give a gift or spend a lot of money.  You can send a card.  You can write a letter .  You can even write a letter telling this young woman that you resent her mother's behavior all these years and you are talking it out on the bride.

    As other's have noted, you'd be wise to acknowledge your willing participation in years of being taken advantage of and then address the issue by ending the friendship. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    no. in fact, don't even show up to the wedding. in fact in fact, stop being her friend. seriously. stop allowing others to walk over you.

  • blank
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Your feelings are understandable.  Respectfully tho - if you feel the door mat - whom is to blame for that?   By now, you have crystal clear evidence that Pauline is at best a fair weather friend and will happily continue to ride the gravy train of the one sided friendship you provide.

    That said - do you REALLY think treating Pauline's daughter (the way she treated yours) is the way to "fix" things with Pauline?

    IN the very least - send this young girl and her groom a card with a modest gift.  IF you can find a way to attend the festivities do so - BUT for certain, DO NOT make yourself so available for man power and do not be an ATM.   Remember you can be supportive without bank rolling or exhausting yourself by decorating or cleaning.

    Certainly make yourself less available to "do" so much for Pauline and her family in the future.  Keep your bank book and credit cards in your purse.   In the very least you will feel better and have far less anamosity for Pauline.  I suspect however you will simply start hearing less and less from her - which also solves this problem another way.

    Good luck.

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