Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 2 months ago

How do I get my sister to see she’s making a mistake?

For the last few years, my sister has been dating an abusive guy. He’s both physically and mentally abusive. He’s attacked her several times. A couple of months ago, after one of these attacks, I finally got her to agree to leave him. But soon afterwards, she found out she’s pregnant. She’s now gone back to him. She says she doesn’t want the kid to grow up without a father and that things will be different now that he’s a dad. She’s wrong. It’s going to be exactly the same. I need to get her out of there.

15 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 month ago

    Set the guy up. Pay a hooker to set him up and arrange for your sister to somehow witness it. 

  • 1 month ago

    Tell her your whole family is scared of him and you don't want him around anymore maybe she will pick y'all over him

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    i would tell the police what hes doing

  • 1 month ago

    I am a rape and abuse crisis counselor for over 30 yrs. I got involved after I had my first fight with one of my 5 sister's boyfriends at 13 after he hit her in front of me, and after another sister was raped by the pizza delivery guy.  You should contact the YWCA, who have counselors programs classes to explain abuse, and how an abuser works.  He slowly breaks a person down her will.  It is usually the reverse of the Stockholm effect.  where in a Stockholm effect they abuse torture a person so much for weeks or months, and than do something nice. Like beating, raping, being tide up in a box, or a closet for weeks, only let out every few days to beat or  rape, given very little to eat, or nothing for days at a time. And loads you up with drugs. Than one day they or he brings you out speaks nice to you washes you up with a nice hot shower, gives you clean clothes to wear, and very good  food to eat.  May give you a kiss on the cheek.  and lets you relax for a few hours, before he puts you back in the box or closet. Every few days he does the same thing. before you know it you have feelings for the abuser. The reverse of this effect is he treated her like a queen, where she could do no wrong, for months. and after he slowly separates her from family and friends, and at the same time he cuts back on being the perfect boyfriend, and instead of giving her 110 compliments he give 1 complaint than 2,3,4 10 20 and so on.  Before your sister knew what was happening, she was in what I call, looking for what can never be again.  She had the perfect boyfriend and she thinks he was that way for 6 months so she might have done something to change him, so she should be able to change him back.  But he was never a perfect boyfriend, just pretending to be one, and can never go back. Now she thinking because of a baby the abuse will stop.  If anything it will get worse, because as insane it sounds, an abusers gets mad and jealous of anyone who takes away from you pleasing him, even his child. It would not take long to break her away, but you need the help of some professionals. She needs to needs to see, or recognize what abuse is, which she already knows, but are wearing a pair of grey glasses.  Glasses she does not know she is wearing. And just telling her about the abuse will not work.  She needs to see it through other people's eyes, other women's point of view. YWCA or other abuse women;'s support groups can help.  You need to get her to a support group right away, to plaint the seed of what abuse is, separating her from family and friends, is to not see the abuse through others eyes.  If you see abuse but the abuser is the only one around, saying it is not abuse.  telling her, and showing her, abuse with other people, she has to consider what he is doing is abuse. It could take weeks, or months but showing her once a week, for a few weeks can start her to take off her grey glasses.  She might in a process take off the glasses for a few seconds, minutes, days and put back on.  Its usually out of shame  that she allowed this man to abuser her.  She can not believe how stupid she was to take the abuse for so long.  But it is not her fault.  Its how our minds work, we love someone, and trust them and anyone can take advantage of us when we do.  It is hard to accept someone we love and who loves us would hurt us.  So you get help to get you on a good strong ground and helps you know what to do to fight this abuser.  emotionally, as well as possibly physically.  The abuser will fight back insisting what he has done or is doing is not abuse. You are not only putting up a mirror for your sister to show her the abuse you are showing the world to him he is an abuser. He will not like it. I have 5 sister 3 were in an abusive relationship, and 1 of them and 1 of the other 2 were raped.  Times have changed, in the last 40yrs but rape and abuse 1 out of 3 women will or has been raped or abused during their life. and 1 out of 5 men has been or will be raped or abused.  I am very sad to say, except for instead of 90% getting away with it, we had about 70% are getting some consequences for rape or abuse, and the average jail time has gone from less than a year, to 5.5 years.  Which is still bad.  And with our currant President we have slid a bit back to the 70's of the thinking boys will be boys when it come to abuse.  Both of my sisters are getting by but still have negative effects of their rape.  One does not see it.  She is now 60.  But note, there were not help groups like we have now, and neither one got help early on, and did not stick with it when they did. 

  • What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
  • 1 month ago

    As someone who has grown up in an abusive home, I feel I need to give you some vastly needed insight into not just your sisters situation, her psyche, but what I think you should/shouldn't do here.

    First, I want to give you an insight into my situtation, so I can launch into your sisters one, hopefully this aspect can help you: My parents had an intense/fast paced relationship when they first met, things turned when my father got jealous over a male friends of my mothers, the jealousy triggered him to show up at her work armed with a bat before he proceeded to destroy her office and then tossed an engagement ring. They got married and the verbal abuse started right away as did his controlling behaviour towards her (ie telling her who she could be friends with, made her quit her job etc). The physical abuse didn't start until my Mom became pregnant with my sister, and from there the frequencey and the severity of the abuse escalated over the years, to the point towards the end of the marraige it was several times a week and nearly killed her on several occasions. My mom never loved my Dad, but she convinced herself and more importantly him, in hopes the abuse would somehow stop, which was a delusion of hers. She made excuses about not leaving him too, she would say "oh we have kids", "how will I survive raising 3 children on my own without him" etc, but the reality is, she was a virtual prisoner because he had isolated her and fear mongeed her that much, that she was simply unable to leave. The reason why they seperated was because he was arrested for brutally beating and damn well nearly killing her, it took the police and the courts to intervene, to finally pry her out of his cluthes. Even then, that wasn't enough, because she still made an attempt to crawl back to him, where she would go on dates with them in attempts to "save the marraige", I'm legit not making that up. Ironically, it took my Dad deciding to end things with her, he wrote her a multi page letter explaining he had no desire to make the marraige work, was not interested in any association and urged my Mom to file divorce papers. I don't know why it took my Dad to end things, but, it finally worked, she filed for divorce, and while the divorce was drawn out (due to court delays), it was surprisingly amicable, neither side really contested the other. My Mom FINALLY learned to stand on her own two feet, she learned that she deserved better than all the abuse inflicted on her, that she didn't need a man to validate her etc... to this day she has never given my Dad a 2nd look.

    Now onto your sister- She is caught up in the same vicious cycle my Mom was- Part of her wants to get away, but her boyfriend has her so beaten down (no pun) and trapped that she feels she can't function without him, its as if shes trapped in her own prison. I think deep down she was always wanting to go back to her ex, her being pregant was the green light that she needed to do so. Its very akin to a drug addict, where they want to get off the drug, but because they lack the coping skills, the first stressor that they encounter, they go right back to their drug of choice. 

    Your sister saying "oh hes a dad, it will be different"- She's actually not entirely wrong, and I mean this in a bad way! The abuse is actually going to escalate now that he's a father, and for several reasons. 1) Abusers are insecure/possessive, they don't like to share their possession with another, and he will get jealous when all her attention is focused on the baby and 2) Having a baby/child, carries all kinds of stressors, and when an abuser is stressed, there go to instinct IS to abuse, a lot of times physical violence escalates. Your sister is deluding herself if she thinks having a child will suddenly get the abuse to stop, its a load of ****, lets just call a spade a spade here.

    You can't force her to leave him, as much as you want to, it doesn't work that way! Sure you can give her a place to stay and sure you can encourage her to leave, but unless she suddenly decides enough is enough, she will keep going back to him. The only thing you can and must do is if YOU see/suspect that he is abusing the children, to call CPS and file a report, after that its up to CPS to determine the best course of action for your niece or nephew.

    As for your sister? She needs to hit rock bottom before she actually leaves him for good! What is the rock bottom is? Could be him beating her so bad shes hospitalised, it could be him striking her when pregnant, it could be her seeing him strike her child, sadly it may even be her leaving this world in a body bag for her to finally be freed from his crutches.

    Right now, sadly, not much you can do about this! All you can really do is let her know you are always there if she needs to discuss things, that she always has a place to bring herself and the child(ren) to etc... you can throw her a lifeline, its on her to decide whether or not to save herself.

    Good luck.

  • 2 months ago

    how old are you? you dont get they BOTH are using you and being very cruel. your sister doesnt give one crap about you.

    just drop the subject or go talk to the sheriff about it.

    he cannot do anything its a domestic issue with real sticky laws BUT he can explain the facts to you if you'll listen.

  • 2 months ago

    theres a way to go about it you can either go and report the guy to the police anonymously or you go full on vigilante mode and do exsactly what he did to her to him

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    First, you can't get her to leave.  I've gone through this twice (best friend and cousin).  Both played out the same way, so I know the drill.  There's not one thing you can say or do to change this.  So what happens is you'll become too emotionally invested in what happens, which can make you co-dependent on their drama.  Example:  Your sister lied when she said she went back because she wants her child to have a father.  The truth is, she thinks she still "loves" him.  This is always true, and you'll make yourself crazy trying to convince her this isn't love.

    This stuff matters because once that infant is born, everything changes. Somebody has to be in that baby's corner.  It won't be the abusive dad, and it won't be the mom putting the bf in front of her own child.  I actually broke up my friendship with my best friend when I came over one day and her abusive bf was throwing a heavy can of peaches at a terrified 2 year old hiding under the coffee table.  My friend was watching and called it a "game".

    I mention all this because you are in a tough position that will get tougher.  It will become a lot easier when you switch over from trying to be "supportive" to someone you love and care about.  Become the angry sib watching your sister morph from victim into perpetrator.  A lot of damage can be done in infancy, and no baby deserves this.

    This might all sound rather strange, because I know you love her.  But when siblings (or close friends) become adults, it's very unhealthy if they don't hold each other more accountable. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    No, YOU don't need to get her out of there, as you put it. SHE needs to be the one to recognize that her partner is a domestic abuser, and find the strength to leave him. It won't be an easy road for her, believe me. When people get caught in abusive relationships like this, they often can't see that there is a way out- or even a better way to live. I'm sure that her abusive boyfriend is probably very controlling, too- and keeps her on a short leash so she'll stay put and do what he wants her to do. That makes things even more risky for her, at least from the point of view of her trying to leave or break the relationship. Men like this don't take rejection easily, and they don't take NO for an answer.

    Mental health professionals have a name for what your sister is experiencing: it's called learned helplessness. She won't leave her child's father because even though he's abusive as hell to her, she also feels safe with him and more than likely is financially dependent upon his income. You know the old saying about not biting the hand that feeds you, I am sure. In your sis's case, it really rings true, especially now that she's got a baby to think about. Of course she wants her child to know his or her father- that's natural. But until she reaches a point where she's able to see this man for what he really is, and understands that he's not going to change no matter what she does, her situation will not improve. Learned helplessness is a lot like addiction. The addict must WANT help and WANT to change and get better before any treatment will be effective. The same is true here.

  • 2 months ago

    Unfortunately her fate is sealed now that she's having a kid with him. The beginning of her hardships have only just begun. There is nothing you can possibly say to her if nothing has worked yet. She is an adult with the brain of a teenager. These types of people only learn from experience, and a lot of times that doesn't even work.

Still have questions? Get answers by asking now.