i'm f/17 and my mom is too strict/overprotective? spare some advice?

I'm going to start this off by saying this can't be answered with a simple "move out when you're 18" or "her house, her rules" .. I think she's genuinely abusing her power and control over me at the moment. 

my mom was less strict w me hanging out with friends but then around 7th or 8th grade i started making friends who were caught up in drama and losing them, which really pissed my mom off and made her have the idea that i "don't have real friends" TO THIS DAY, so she doesn't take me having a social life seriously. Whenever I ask to go anywhere. even to the store by myself she goes "well who's driving you?" and guilt trips me into not taking ubers (even tho its the only way car-less teens get around where i live) bc its "i'll get "kidnapped". Keep in mind she's let me take an uber before, she guilt trips and insults me into not going places. Honestly, I'm tired of it and maybe I'm allowing her to treat me this way, I'm thinking about just taking initiative and leaving as long as I tell her where i am so she can't say no .. problem is my mom likes to take my phone for every little thing so I'm honestly stuck here. I wanna live my life but living without a phone for the last year at the house would honestly suck... She tells me if i leave then "don't come back" etc just bc I want to go to a CVS up the street. She turns everything into an argument and resorts to "you're not grown you don't pay anything" or yells over me. ik she loves me but this is toxic to me. advice?

Update:

Currently, she doesn't want me working because of corona cases in my area, won't schedule my driving lessons (she paid for them already btw) until i "re-read my permit manual", is looking into me going to community college bc i "can't live on my own at university" . I'm convinced she wants me to depend on her forever at this point

Update 2:

keep in mind i don't ask her to leave the house everyday. I have made some mistakes in the past like sneaking around her but that's literally only a result of her strictness and the way she uses everything against me. I don't think i should be held at standards bc of what I did 5 years ago!

13 Answers

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  • P.L.
    Lv 6
    4 weeks ago

    You are not an adult until the age of 18 (in U.K.) and, if you did something illegal and were caught your parents would be seen by the police (as well as you) and might be asked questions about the hours you are allowed out with others etc.  They could be held responsible, to a degree, for YOUR wrongdoings. This is why parents must keep a tight rein on children up until their 18th birthday.  If you wish to misbehave and break the law after that then go ahead and face the consequences but you'll be crying for your mammy then I guess and will wish you'd adhered to her discipline sooner.

  • 1 month ago

    Shouldn't you be writing this to your mom, Faith? As a mom whose daughter died a wrongful death on Cape Cod at the age of 22 in 2002, I'm going to advise you to keep a private journal to sort through your 17-year-old angst and angers, and get a broader perspective on your current dilemma. Every mother's underlying message tends to be, "I love you, my darling young-adult child. Don't hurt yourself, baby. I'm afraid of not being wise enough to keep you safe from harm. If you grow to 'goodbye,' will there still be a place for me in your heart, your mind, your life?"  

    Respond to the underlying message, not the surface one. Do you perceive any fear in the patterns of your mom's behaviors?  If so, discuss these fears with her as an almost-adult---maybe over a meal or when the two of you are alone.  Be brave and tell her your feelings. Give your mother a chance to express her feelings. Talk to each other, Faith. She wants you to be safe, happy, and wise, and you want more personal responsibility and freedom as you move into adulthood.  Most moms, myself included, have very mixed feelings about seeing their child become more independent and get ready to move on---the "empty nest syndrome" in psychology circles. Reassure her that she has a permanent place in your heart and maybe some of the strict or overprotective behaviors will begin to ease up.  

  • 1 month ago

    I agree with oldprof's last two short paragraphs. CVS is just up the road? Ride a bike. Had uber before, who Paid? She really does love you ya know...others mentioned that. Helicopter moms not fun fer sher but as some others mentioned it's a lot better than being kicked to the curb,or neglected or abused .Ranchmom, JoysSee, and Edwena get my thumbs up. Anonymous not so much.  Do your best to treat her as you want to be treated as I am sure it will help. No more end runs, lip, etc..and we all wish you well. x o

  • 1 month ago

    Looking at your other questions, your current actions may be what is responsible for her attempts to protect you from yourself.

    In less than a year you will be free to do whatever you want and she will not longer be able to legally protect you. Use that time to think carefully about your actions and make decisions carefully about who to trust and why and when.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    My mother was exactly the same when I was 17, she wouldn't let me do anything, told me i was too stupid to drive, and that if I moved away to university I'll get raped and murdered because I'll be just a girl on my own. She started regretted it when I got to my mid 20s and was so dependant on her that I couldn't do anything by myself. 

    You need to just put your foot down before she ruins your life and turns you into a helpless baby. Move away to university. Moving out as soon as possible is so important at 18-19 because that's when you're feeling strong and adventurous, if you leave it until your 20s you'll get too comfortable at home and be too scared to leave.

  • 1 month ago

    If you are so certain she is abusing her power, make a civil (even criminal) case against her.  Just be careful if it backfires into your face.

    Peace.

  • 1 month ago

    She looks at you and thinks, "I hope she doesn't screw up her life like I did."  Your mom thinks she's a failure and doesn't want you to fail too by getting pregnant or raped or all sorts of bad things cross her mind.  So she puts you on a tight leash, not realizing that the tighter she pulls on you the more you tug to get away.

    The cue to my assessment is that all this began around the time you hit puberty in the 7th or 8th grade.

    So what are your options when you reach 18?  If you intend on living with mom, then you'll have to put up with mom's home mom's rules.  That's just the way it works.  In a legal sense, you become a house guest and are no longer a dependent when you become an adult as mom is no longer responsible for your safety and general welfare.

    Bottom line until you reach 18 and get a sustainable job so that you can afford a place to live and move out, you're stuck with what you have.  Have you even thought about where you'll work?  Best do that now and not wait until you're 18.  You need to prepare for moving out of the house now.

  • 1 month ago

    Sweety .... the world IS a scary place, and you are about to go out into this :"grenade field" all by yourself. Please just be patient. You do not know what you do not know. Your Mom is scared to death, worries each time if you are going to come home ALIVE and well each time you go out. At 17 you have all the equipment on board that WORKS now. You can surely mess up the rest of your entire life with only one "mistake".

    * I know, you are raring to go, ready to be wild and have fun. At your age there is plenty of time ..... Please try to understand, take your time, learn. Once you grow up you can not go back. Be a "Kid" as long as you can. Being an adult is not as much fun as you think when you must be responsible and live paying and making choices all by yourself.

    K ?

    Can you understand ? The world is a very TOUGH place Sweety.

  • 1 month ago

    Act like an adult.  Sit your mom down, ask her why she's always yelling at you, and why she doesn't trust you.  I don't know, maybe you're a brat and she has no idea how to handle you.  Maybe your mom drinks and/or takes a daily dose of pills.  Just act responsibly and be trustworthy, then maybe she wouldn't have you on such a tight leash.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Find a part time job. It will give you an excuse to get out, as well as  a degree of independence both personally and financially. It will also demonstrate to you parents that you are responsible, can be trusted and that the World is a relatively safe place for you to explore. 

    Update: When someone is financially dependent on another person you will always be at their behest. 

    Once you get your licence and this COVID-19 thing is under control the first thing I would do if I were you is to find a part time job. With or without her approval. 

    Time to spread your wings a little.  Show your family that you are no longer that little girl and that you want to be a self assured, independent young lady.

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