Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

My husband ignored our safe word, says I’m making a big deal out of nothing?

While we were into it, he became extremely rough with me. I said our safe word because I was in pain and wanted to stop but he ignored it, I said it again, he ignored it once more. I started trying to push him off and he just held me down until he was done. I was very upset. 

Further, he’s been cold and treating me poorly ever since. I told him what he did was wrong and he borderline raped me, and he said “ it’s not possible for a husband to rape his wife” He told me that I’m overreacting and is also treating as if I’ve done something wrong. I made dinner for us, he waited until I was finished and said that he’s eating out, after watching me spend 1 1/2 hour cooking dinner. 

He has NEVER acted this way and it’s completely out of character for him. I just don’t know what to do.

14 Answers

  • 4 weeks ago

    Go somewhere else for a couple of days. Leave him a note letting him know how you feel. Him ignoring the "safe word" and raping you and then telling you that he can have "his way" over you whenever whatever and you've nothing to say about it is NOT okay in any manner. YOU need to make that clear to him. I don't know why he is showing a change of character but you need protect YOURSELF. 

  • 4 weeks ago

    Yea that was spousal rape!! And he is making it worse by controlling the mental state of the situation. You need to gain control now or you will have a promblem. Since he doesn’t get the message and wants to play tuff you gotta play too. But at the same time, I don’t know his intentions so you gotta be prepared to go all the way with whatever you do.

    Pack your stuff and leave for a few days. Be prepared to wait this out. He may be stubborn. He may have another women and not care. He may just be a jerk and within a few hrs he’s crying and apologizing. But you gotta make a stand as a women. He gotta know he has betrayed you and your trust. No sex till he earns it back. 

  • 4 weeks ago

    He did not borderline rape you. Your husband raped you. 

    If this is the first time he did this, then he is either growing a brain tumor, or you don't know this guy that well. 

    He not only raped you, he apparently thinks a husband has every right to rape his wife.  This guy sounds very. VERY disturbed and abusive.

    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    He didn’t borderline rape you he did rape you,you were in the act, your safe word is meant for you to stop that’s the idea of it, now he’s being a pr!ck because he knows he was a pr!ck then and it’s easier to deal with his guilt for him if he blames you, guys a f*cking tool if you were f*cking his ars* and had a safe word to stop if he wanted you to and you didn’t sound it be a big deal out of nothing then? No it wouldn’t find a new guy cos this one gives no f*cks about you 

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  • 1 month ago

    You said, "he borderline raped me":  No you used the 'safe word' twice and he ignored your statement telling him to stop. It was rape.

    When he claims “it’s not possible for a husband to rape his wife” he's telling you that he thinks he has the right to rape you again. Same for his claim 

    that you're overreacting and treating you as if you’ve done something wrong.   

    I'm sorry but You should prepare for a divorce

  • boj
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    A husband can rape a wife so he is wrong and was wrong for hurting disrespecting you. Pick a time when hes acting himself and tell him how you feel. If it happens again do whatever you must to get him off you even if it means biting to draw blood. He didnt care about hurting you so dont care about hurting him. 

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    My understanding is that within the BDSM community this is a major betrayal. On top of that he shows no remorse and believes the unthinkable that marital rape isn't a thing! You might try some marriage counseling to see if he can adjust his narcissism. But in most cases that can't be cured, merely mitigated with behavioral cognitive therapy - which I doubt he'd be willing to do. I think you just picked a bad one here and it's very likely he's going to really injure you one of these days if you don't get out of this marriage. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Marital RAPE is a crime.  You said the safe word, he continued, it's marital rape.  Now what you want do to going forward is your choice.  File a Police Report?  Do nothing?  Go to counselling (which I think is a waste of time); talk to him (which appears to also be a waste of time).

    Here's what I did when he wanted anal sex, and I did not, and he forced himself on me/into me.  I was crying in pain, and he would not stop.  The next morning I was at the Police Station, I then got a protective order, I then filed for divorce.

    Once was enough for me.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Whoa. This is really serious, ignoring the safe word twice and not caring that you're hurting your wife as much as you care about getting off.

    Men who hurt women with penetrative sex, then are dismissive about it, may understand it better from prison, when they get to play the role of the one penetrated over their strong objections. And if this ever happens again, I do hope you'll call the police and get a rape kit done, documenting injuries.

    This needs, at a bare minimum, a long conversation in which no one is allowed to become angry or leave, talking about the incident and his anger ever since, about your safety, about what the hell is wrong with the marriage that he's so changed.

    As someone else recommended, a certified marriage counselor could serve you well, probably better than attempting to talk it out.

    If it were me, I would not be in the same house with a man who thought it was okay for him to hurt me sexually, nor would I be telling him where I'm staying. I recognize this may not be possible for you at this time, but I hope you can talk to a friend or family member who'll loan you the couch if you need to get out right now at some point in the future.

  • 1 month ago

    You were indeed raped, and your rapist husband is wrong about the law. I testified, once, at a trial where a wife charged her husband with rape. She won.  You don't know what to do? I do...I'd divorce as soon as possible , and I'd carefully watch my choices for future partners.  

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