Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 2 months ago

How much time should you spend with your elderly parents?

okay so my father is 64 years of age as of yesterday. Over 7 years ago, he had a stroke, he still able to walk talk and he’s coherent, the only problem is he’s not able to drive. He gets himself dressed and all of that. As of now he stays with my aunt and I try to see him at least every two weeks but it’s hard because of the responsibility I have towards my mother side of the family. Also I work full time overnight and I am in school Full time. I take him around once a month to every store he needs to go too. And I have been doing this constantly for 3 years. I haven’t missed a month of doing this since I started. Basically I wanna know what is a great amount of time to spend with him. My auntie that he stays with is basically making me feel even worse saying I need to take him out to eat or I need to come down there more. So what do you guys think? 

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your father isn't even retirement age yet, he's not "elderly". But he is disabled apparently and one suspects your aunt gets weary of having so much responsibility for him. It sounds like you're already doing about as much as you can to with all that you've got going on. This shouldn't be all on you. If you don't have siblings you'll need to enlist some other relatives to take up some of the slack. For instance maybe some of these people on Mom's side of the family. Yes, I get that it seems there's an estrangement there. But families have to pull together in times of stress and get over their past disagreements when it's a matter of life and death.

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    as much time as you can, wish i could do that, both my parents are gone

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Sorry but you really aren't doing much for him.  

    You have excuses, not reasons.  You're doing basic stuff for him a caregiver can do.  Why not just go take him for the day and do something he enjoys?  You're not building any memories shopping for chicken or medicine.

    My mom lives with me so I see her everyday, she's 70.  She's actually in good health but for a while she wasn't.  She has her own income, pays her own bills, she owned her own home and when she was having some health issues and her neighborhood was going south...  I had her move in with me and she sold her house.  She's actually pretty active.  She bowls twice a week in leagues and I take her on vacation once a year just her and me.  We're going to Vegas in March.

    My brothers do things for and with her too.  We're a close knit family and my brothers see her a few times a week.  All of us are married with kids, jobs and responsibilities in life.  We all have dinner together once a month.  Sometimes we go out to eat or sometimes we eat at someone's home... usually mine because it's bigger and can accommodate everyone.

    My dad died 15 years ago after being sick for 10 years.  My dad died young, he had bad diabetes (type 1) and it caused strokes and things like that.  We watched him suffer and die a slow & miserable death.  Kidney failure was what actually killed him.

    My mom's sister is always envious of what my brothers and I do for and with our mom because her kids don't do anything and never get together except for holidays.  They reach out to her when they need something.  She told my mom a week ago that she (my mom) raised better kids than she did.  But then she tried to back track and say we probably wouldn't do for her what we do if our dad was still alive but my mom was quick to let her we were doing the things we do before he died and did for him too.

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  • 2 months ago

    I think you need to do the math.  Assuming 30 days in a month, that you sleep 1/3 of the hours of a day that leaves you with 480 hours left in the month to work, go to school and help with your mother's side of the family.  I am guessing your once a month effort to spending time with him Dad takes 2 hours on average or less than 1/2 of 1% of your time.  Maybe your Aunt is right that he deserves more, maybe a full 1% (4.8 hours/ month).

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  • Logan
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    You spend as much time as you want to or can spare. In your case you have a good routine. Once I'm out of the house I know I won't see my family except for a couple times a year, like events and stuff but that's just how my family is.

    If he's getting to the end of his life and you know then maybe you spend more time with him. But you have responsibilities in your life that you have to take care of to live and those are time consuming. Your aunt can stick it.

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  • Jerry
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    I think your Auntie is probably right in her idea that your father needs to get out more. But if you're working full time plus taking several classes, it may not be possible for you to be the one taking him out. Are there other family members who can take your father out? Does your area's social services provide something like affordable transportation to a senior center, to a shopping area? Can other family members contribute toward a hired companion taking your father out regularly? 

    Along with that ... 

    ... is it possible for you to cut your work hours, your class load? Yes, you'll have less $$$, take longer to get your degree. But having time to "have a life," time to do more for your father, is worth something too. 

    ... is it possible for you to have frequent short visits with your father via video chat? For other friends or relatives to do so?

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  • 2 months ago

    It’s a good thing he hadn’t paced himself raising you based on what he had to do for himself, or you would’ve been sunk. Adult children spend several hours weekly caring for their parents, though there are many like you, and others who are completely uninvolved.

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  • 2 months ago

    Ask yourself this...if he died tomorrow, would you regret you didnt spend more time with him?

    More quality time I mean, not this "i feel duty bound" time that you spend with him now.

    Taking him to stores/do chores isnt quality time, its helpful and i am sure appreciated, but it IS the bar minimum/duty kind of time.

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  • 2 months ago

    I think you need to decide for yourself how much time you need to devote to your parents. My Nan (shes 89) is in a care home and my parents visit her 3 times per week.

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