Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 5 months ago

Is love really this complicated?

I am madly in love with a guy who doesn't love me any more than just a friend. Let's call this guy James. I love James so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I revealed my feelings to him, and he rejected me politely saying that he likes me, but he's not interested in a relationship with me. It hurts me that I can't have him, but I respect that. Life sucks sometimes.

But here's the problem, I have another friend, let's call Caleb, who I enjoy talking to for hours on end and every day. Caleb revealed to me that he loves me and that he will do anything to get me as a wife. He is a real great guy and a sweet friend, but I don't have any romantic feeling for him like I do for James.

I feel like if I can't marry James, I will marry no one, but Caleb is a real great friend, should I marry Caleb even though I'm not romantically in love with him?

I love talking to Caleb and we talk every day, and I enjoy every second of it, but I don't love Caleb enough to be my future husband.

I don't talk to James as often because I don't want to be a nuisance to him and want to give him space, but I do love every second I get to talk with him and I love him so much that I would marry him in a heartbeat if he were to propose to me.

What should I do? Should I marry Caleb even though I don't love him? Is it possible to force yourself to love someone?

Update:

Why do I love James so much but not as much for Caleb even though he is a sweet and kind guy?

13 Answers

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  • 5 months ago

    I would just date the second dude and wouldn't consider marriage yet. 

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  • 5 months ago

    You're kidding, right? Why would someone put themselves into a forever/marriage situation with someone they aren't into and don't love? That's a set up to feel like you're trapped (and something a stupid person would do).

    I'm sure that these aren't the only two men you're ever going to meet in your life.

    We are either attracted to someone or not. And we either fall in love with someone eventually or not.

    Why are you so hell-bent on getting married to just anyone? Doesn't make sense

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  • 5 months ago

    I think you need to quit wasting Caleb's time. You've taken a whole lot of it! Quit wasting his time. Hopefully, someone you can love and who will love you back will come into your life.. it just hasn't happened yet.

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  • 5 months ago

    This reminds me of myself and my first time "falling in love".

    Love is not complicated at all. PEOPLE are complicated, and adolescence is even more so.

    Are you sure you're in love with HIM, or just the idea of him because you can't have him, so there leaves a lot of room for fantasy and desperation? Do you and James have a lot in common, or are you just convincing yourself that you're meant to be because you're overwhelmed with the feelings of being in love for the first time? Also, were you already desperately wanting a boyfriend shortly before meeting James? When you are in a state like that, it is like a love spell; you will "fall in love with the first person you encounter". Whilst it is intense, it is not real love.

    I understand these feelings are INTENSE. They literally make you lovesick and take up the majority of your time. But this is not love, it is infatuation (Google "difference between love and infatuation"). True love, whilst beautiful, is more calm and stable than this.

    The fact that you are considering marrying this other guy despite not loving him suggests that you are feeling insecure within yourself (like you need a man to be happy) and are more attracted to the idea of being in love, rather than either guy for who they are as a person. So my opinion, as hard as it may be right now, is to not date either guy. If you do, you will be overwhelmed with feelings of joy for a short time, but then reality will kick in, your underlying emotions will come back to get you, and the relationship will fail.

    You don't marry someone just because you want to get married/have a man in your life. That is a recipe for disaster. You need to really get to know them, inside and out, and fall for them on an emotional, spiritual, and intellectual level. Also, you CAN'T FORCE IT. It will happen naturally. Another thing: it likely won't happen until you're a fully mature adult.

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  • RP
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Don't marry someone you don't love. If your goal is marriage, don't love someone you cannot marry. Until you find both... liking and loving... in a potential partner, keep looking because you haven't find the right one for you and s/he hasn't found the right one for her/him. If you start a marriage without love, it could develop, but that's a long shot and the prospects for success are dim, at best.

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  • 5 months ago

    Let us put this into another context. If you wanted to order a pizza but your favourite kind is out of stock and the one on offer has a topping you don't like - you don't wait until they have the pizza in stock and you don't order a pizza you don't want because it's on offer.

    In summary, neither are good for you and therefore you would only be hurting yourself or them if you continue in any form of relationship with them. It sucks because you are probably comfortable with them and it would be easier to not find someone else but it will be so much better in the long run to find someone you want to spend your life with and someone who feels the same about you.

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  • 5 months ago

    Didnt read it all you need to use paragraphs.

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  • Steve
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    You might be in love with love. That’s both complicated and painful. Don’t be in love with love.

    Love the man, not the idea of him. To properly love James, accept that he doesn’t want you as a wife.

    If you’re compatible with Caleb already,

    focus on him as your potential husband. It’s your decision who or whether to marry, but Caleb is your only prospect at the moment.

    Don’t be in love with love. Love the man.

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  • 5 months ago

    You sound about 12, with a mental age of 6.

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    James or caleb or Jonathan or John and many many other guys ...they are just temporary ,good enough to satisfy your needs. they will move on ...after they are tired with you

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