I'm going to pretend like this isn't a troll for a moment (emergency rooms get these kinds of the things all the time - people stick some weird stuff inside themselves).
If it is all the way inside, then it is going to be difficult to get ahold of - but you might be able to squat and give it a good push to get it started, and have a fork or something to stick into it to pull it the rest of the way out.
If it won't come out at all, then you are pretty much stuck sucking it up and going to a doctor/emergency room and telling them what happened. Don't bother with stupid excuses like 'I was making dinner naked, slipped on the kitchen floor, and landed on the cucumber'. Just be up front, and they will get it out for you. They've pretty much heard/seen it all.
In the future, stick to things that are made to be put in your a**. They will typically have wider bases, and are made of safe materials.