is it betraying my husband to see my daughter and granddaughter when she won't see him?

My daughter and my husband, her father, had a huge falling out almost two years ago and they have refused to see or speak to each other since. II completely disagree with the way they are handling the situation. My husband says if I see her when he's not invited it's a betrayal him. Our kids are all grown and moved out and he says it's just us now and we have to stick together. My daughter had a baby girl about a year and a half ago and I have seen her only 1 itme, just after she was born. I miss my daughter so much it physically hurts. I have dreamed of the day I could be grandma and I'm missing it. He is adamant about this and has made me choose between them, as has she. He feels so strongly about this and has been so hurt that I believe it would destroy our almost 30 year marriage if I were to see her. I think it's cruel to put me in this position. No mother should ever be iin this position. What can I do?

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  • 5 months ago

    Does your daughter think you sided with him because you're not around? I would see my grandchildren and tell them to leave me out of the rift.

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  • Tara
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Your husband is putting you in a terrible situation.

    He should let you see your daughter and grandchild … he should be man enough to do this.

    You are missing out on things with your grandchild that can never be replaced .. ever !

    Consider .. taking a firm stand about this.

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  • 5 months ago

    Obviously no one can answer logically not understanding the angst of their grievance. But prayer and kindness works wonders. Send gifts and short loving letters. Include prayers with your husband about this

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    I have a similar situation. I married a widower with 4 children, all adults, three with children. We married 3 years after he was widowed (5 years after I was widowed), and two of his children felt that the marriage was "too soon" after the death of their mother and "disrespectful to their mother's memory." In the beginning they were sort of pleasant. Then we married and it got really unpleasant.

    They invite their father to birthday parties and Christmas dinners and Thanksgiving dinners and NEVER invite me. I have never had a harsh word with his children. There was a family death, and one of his children went around telling people that their father and I met at his workplace and were dating when their mother was alive. That is absolutely untrue. Why would an adult lie about her father? I have no idea. Why do people believe lies? I have no idea.

    Yes, when he goes to events without me I feel betrayed. It's not a "them or me" situation, but it could turn into that.

    We've been married 6 years.

    • M.
      Lv 7
      5 months agoReport

      I can understand some of what you say, but if he goes alone to them on Christmas or Thanksgiving, then he is abusing you emotionally. He needs to stay home on those days.

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  • 5 months ago

    I agree with you. It is childish and cruel of BOTH your husband and daughter to pretend that you can't love both of them and be in both of their lives. They are both asking you to be a smaller person than you are! It's not going to work! It's an imprisonment of heart.

    I'd love my husband and tell him he doesn't get to tell ME what to do anymore than I get to tell HIM what to do and I will not disown my child. But I will agree not to speak of her to him. And let the chips fall where they may.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Gosh, it would be great to know what this "huge falling out" was about. If your daughter committed some grave, unforgivable sin you probably need to recognize that you raised her badly and she may be a lost cause. If it was something less grievous it's worth try to put your family back together with some professional counseling. Unless your daughter truly is a bad person you wouldn't be insane to give your spouse an ultimatum on this.

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  • 5 months ago

    what an unusual and troll like coincidence that according to your other post you yourself have cut your own parent out of your life as she lies dying in the hospital, just as your own daughter has done.

    • Stacy O5 months agoReport

      Thank you. Any actual advice?

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  • 5 months ago

    Your her mother, if you want a relationship with your child you have every right, and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad. Let’s say 20 years from now your granddaughter is in the same situation as your daughter. What would you tell your daughter to do? You can’t keep everyone happy, but I think your husbands being selfish.

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    • cass5 months agoReport

      Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. However her father should not stop a relationship between the mother and daughter! Regardless of his feeling be the bigger person.

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  • 5 months ago

    it terrible good luck

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    Your husband is being childish.

    You have a daughter go see her. If things you are betraying him he isn’t acting like adult .

    He just needs to understand the bigger picture . Family . You need to call him on this.

    I had a falling out with my daughter but I never or would I ever tell my wife she couldn’t see her .

    I am hoping I will connect with her again and having my wife still in contact will keep tne door open.

    Your husband needs to understand what he is going to miss .

    • Ana
      Lv 6
      5 months agoReport

      I think her daughter is being childish too.

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