What do you think of this poem?
I've dreamt of dying birds and zombies walking 'round
Of falling off of cliffs and housing falling down
Of mazes I can't escape from and running without end
Of being late for important things not knowing the schedules ahead
I've dreamt of mirrors shattered, of being left behind, of creatures meant to hunt me, and suddenly becoming blind
It's no wonder I've not slept throughout these many years
As I waken from these nightmares from living in my fears
- 10 months agoFavourite answer
I really like the content/idea behind it. However, the rhythm and sentence structure are a little faulty in places. The first couple lines are in iambic hexameter (that means that the rhythm goes "duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH", or 6 repetitions of a soft-hard combination), but it breaks down in the third line. The third line goes "duh DUH duh duh DUH duh DUH duh duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH" - in other words, you have two soft syllables in a row (at "(maz)es I" and at "from and". You could try something like "A maze I can't escape from; running without end" to preserve the rhythm. The following lines have similar problems. The second to last line is interesting because it has consistent rhythm, but it's trochaic instead of iambic (this means it starts on a hard syllable instead of a soft syllable). To fix it, you could simply leave out the "It's" and the rhythm would be the same as the first two lines.
- Fake GeniusLv 79 months ago
I would use colon and arrange all the 'ofs' like bullets.
So it would be -
'It's no wonder' is boring. You can do without that - the same to 'As I waken from'.
- 9 months ago
if you read it see some of your self in it. . enough said. ... if you dont get it then you actually do not know how to read poetry
- lovechildLv 79 months ago
Umm- you are walking the same astral pathways I am- those are all recurring dreamscapes of mine. I love the imagery! Do you have more poetry?
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- tellitlikeitisLv 710 months ago
I think it's good! I enjoyed reading it and could identify with it.
- 10 months ago
I'm not into it