red2queen asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 year ago

What do you think of this poem?

I've dreamt of dying birds and zombies walking 'round

Of falling off of cliffs and housing falling down

Of mazes I can't escape from and running without end

Of being late for important things not knowing the schedules ahead

I've dreamt of mirrors shattered, of being left behind, of creatures meant to hunt me, and suddenly becoming blind

It's no wonder I've not slept throughout these many years

As I waken from these nightmares from living in my fears

6 Answers

  • 1 year ago
    Favourite answer

    I really like the content/idea behind it. However, the rhythm and sentence structure are a little faulty in places. The first couple lines are in iambic hexameter (that means that the rhythm goes "duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH", or 6 repetitions of a soft-hard combination), but it breaks down in the third line. The third line goes "duh DUH duh duh DUH duh DUH duh duh DUH duh DUH duh DUH" - in other words, you have two soft syllables in a row (at "(maz)es I" and at "from and". You could try something like "A maze I can't escape from; running without end" to preserve the rhythm. The following lines have similar problems. The second to last line is interesting because it has consistent rhythm, but it's trochaic instead of iambic (this means it starts on a hard syllable instead of a soft syllable). To fix it, you could simply leave out the "It's" and the rhythm would be the same as the first two lines.

  • 12 months ago

    I would use colon and arrange all the 'ofs' like bullets.

    So it would be -

    I dreamt:




    'It's no wonder' is boring. You can do without that - the same to 'As I waken from'.

  • 12 months ago

    if you read it see some of your self in it. . enough said. ... if you dont get it then you actually do not know how to read poetry

  • 12 months ago

    Umm- you are walking the same astral pathways I am- those are all recurring dreamscapes of mine. I love the imagery! Do you have more poetry?

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  • 1 year ago

    I think it's good! I enjoyed reading it and could identify with it.

  • 1 year ago

    I'm not into it

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