Dealing with toxic parents?
Ok, so I have parents who(when a lot of people first meet them) seem like they'e doing well for themselves. One is an electrical engineer, and the other is a nurse. Both have had years of schooling.....but they're very, very toxic. They constantly compare me to other people who they feel are doing better than I am, hoping that it'll "motivate" me. They've tried calling the cops on me because I wouldn't show them my report card...
My parents suggested that I should be "tested" for a learning disability based on the fact that I've been in school for a while.
They have also gone to the extent of saying that I'll go to hell because I don't go to church on a regular basis, and I'm a loser.
While that's going down, I do chores around the house, bought things for them(with MY cash), and we've gone to several therapists to talk about the issues that are going on(with none of them really solving the problem).
I wasn't always the best academically, but I think that they're taking their "role" as parents too far and I've honestly had enough. Now I have a job and steady income so that they wouldn't use cash as a way to manipulate me and I'll be independent.... but how do I deal with this situation from here on out? How do I make sure that I don't have the same attitude as my parents.....so that I don't repeat how they act to me, towards other people?
The advice would be appreciated, and if you don't like the question....move along. Insults and trolling will be reported by me.
- - Mé -Lv 71 year agoFavourite answer
Start by recognising you aren't your parents' mistakes, so for starters I don't see why you'd have to repeat their behaviours towards other people, you seem really self aware.
I don't know how old are you but if you are legally an adult then save as much as you can from your job, stop buying them things and save save save. And then move out.
Your parents are indeed pretty toxic and while you live under their roof you'lll have to put up with lots of their behaviours. Once you move to your own place (even w flatmates) you can decide if you want a relationship with them and in which term. You don't owe them anything.
About the therapy, i recommend strongly to seek for professional counselling bc it's really helpful to learn to set and enforce boundaries. It takes time as well as finding a good fit with a therapist you get a good rapport with, but it's really worth it.
- PearlLv 71 year ago
if theyre being abusive call cps
- MoyaLv 71 year ago
If that was me
I would not have them om my life.
- Coach SimonLv 71 year ago
Is it possible that her own mother was this way when she was around the age you are now? In a quiet period take her back to when she was your age and how she felt when treated unkindly by her parents. Do this sincerely with genuine interest - probably best not during an argument. That said, it might perhaps be effective when emotions are high. It is usually better to ask questions than to say things.
People who are feeling confident and secure and have self respect don't feel a need to call people names, criticise, bully, shout, etc.
Bullies want attention, and my general feelings are that if people allow them to get their way through fear (the ultimate emotional reaction) they are succeeding and will continue. One way to combat verbal bullying is not to ignore them completely as this shows that they are getting to you, but demonstrate that you have heard the remark or whatever with a glance, dismissive wave or brief response ("oh yes", or similar) and THEN ignore them. Why should you care what such a pathetic person thinks of you? (Only weak and needy people feel a need to bully). Alternatively, or in addition, try to use some humour (U.K. spellings!). It need not be mocking humour, but some light-hearted banter can often diffuse situations.
Put on an imaginary suit of golden armour, and visualise the unkind remarks (or those you perceive to be unkind - be very careful not to imagine a slight when none is intended) as arrows, harmlessly bouncing off your armour and falling to the ground.
- What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
- zenoLv 71 year ago
Start hobbies or routines that help you stay healthy and relaxed. Learn to take a break
At some time of day or night and empty your mind While doing yoga or slow tai chi like movements. Meditation reduces stress and helps
Your heart and blood circulation. Take a break
A read books like prevention magazine or
Readers digest to fine tune your diet and join
A gym to get a over all work out. Next fund
A way to get exactly 8 hours of sleep every
Night. Turn off your phone. Black out the
Window light. Eliminate any sounds in the
Room. Get the rough pillows and covers.
Next is habits : what habits do your patent
Have that cause them to behave this way?
Try to stay away from those habits. Lastly
The religious big picture. Jesus and god
Put us here to be good Shepard's or keep
The environment productive for people and
Animals. We need more out door work and
Less church activities like memorizing ever
Verse or testament or chapter in the bible.
A brain full of knowledge helps nothing if
It's never used. It's better to respect the
Ten Commandments and do charitable
Work outdoors. Pick up trash. Plant things
Animals feed on, remove junk blocking
Rain water run off or plant growth like
Abandoned vehicles dumped in a creek
Or river or drainage ditch. The world is
A dirty messy place that needs all the good
People working to keep it productive and
Environmentally clean and efficient for
People and animals. Your parents were
Indoctrinated by their parents with most
Of the stuff they dumped on you. You must
Learn to think for yourself. I only did because
My parents taught me nothing. They worked
All day and left me alone watching tv every day. until A started walking 5 miles to town to hang
Out worth kids I went to school with and try
To learn something real or things that might
Enlighten me or give me some street smarts.
Good luck. Becoming fully self sufficient and
A fully independent minded person.