The truth?

i have multiple talents/hobbies (i play various instruments and code and draw and write and i have a rigorous exercise itinerary) but i hate all of it. I'd rather just lay down the rest of my life but the fear of not being enough compels me to keep going and get better. I dont want to be pathetic but i cant... show more i have multiple talents/hobbies (i play various instruments and code and draw and write and i have a rigorous exercise itinerary) but i hate all of it. I'd rather just lay down the rest of my life but the fear of not being enough compels me to keep going and get better. I dont want to be pathetic but i cant explain why, or even explain why that lifestyle is pathetic, i just have an inexplicable fear that if i stop im gonna get left behind and forgotten forever. when i talk to people it just feels like a quiz, and i have to say/do the right thing to make them smile or laugh or cry or get angry depending on what i want which is just another disparate matrix of syntax but i never get that "genuine" feeling so many people talk about but i still know how it feels like somehow. I dunno. a lot of people call me a genius but im actually just a scared little kid that people take for mature because...? people say they think im really mellow and ancient almost. why? i have no groundbreaking philosophical views. im no messiah. i just want to be an old guy who spends too much time in the sun but alas. it may not be. is this a mental issue? does anyone else feel like this?
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