My boyfriend raped me, and i dont know how to deal with it?

Just for background, when I was 15 I was at a party where a guy took advantage of me (I was a virgin). Later I met Billy (my bf), who I confided in about that experience. Before we started dating he had a 'friends with benefits', so I was cautious of his intentions at the beginning. He adored me and... show more Just for background, when I was 15 I was at a party where a guy took advantage of me (I was a virgin).
Later I met Billy (my bf), who I confided in about that experience. Before we started dating he had a 'friends with benefits', so I was cautious of his intentions at the beginning. He adored me and insisted that he wasnt interested in me purely for sex. A few weeks after we started going out he asked me to stay over his house, I told him I would but not if he intended us to have sex because I was ready for that. I made it very clear with him what I was comfortable with. So when I came over, we were kissing and he asked me to take off my clothes, I said I didnt want to because I didnt want to encourage us to have sex, so he insured me that we wouldnt. We watched a film in bed, and then he got on top of me and penetrated me, I tried pushing him off and I told him to stop, but hes really buff and wouldnt budge and he completely tuned me out and was ignoring me.
After I managed to push him off I left, but he apologised a lot and explained that he thought I wanted to. Anyway I knew he loved me too much to intentionally hurt me so we stayed together for 9 months (stupid I know)before we broke up.
The rape happened a year ago now, but I never dealt with it, nor did I tell anyone. For the past weeks I think about it and cry, i feel like i cant breathe, I dont know if im being silly because it was a year ago now, i just dont know what to do or how to deal with it so i can move on?
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