Jack
Lv 7
Jack asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 7 years ago

What do you think of this poem I've written?

Just to clarify, I'm exploring the beauty of masculinity and aggression in sport, and this poem was inspired by the image of a young man who passed out as a result of a blood choke in a jiu jitsu match. I wrote it pretty quick, but I kinda like it, and I'm wondering what others might think of it.

'Ode to the Passed Out Fighter

He lays on the mat, staring blankly into space;

his beautiful lips parted, in awe of an embrace.

Not celestial or well meaning, neither heavenly nor damning;

the result of the sport, and his opponent's good planning.

His arms lay heavy, embraced by white cotton;

his skill on the mat so easily forgotten.

His breathing is deep, his legs without length;

his beautiful body glistens, devoid of it's strength.

In this place he does lay, the result of a choke;

a handsome reminder that these lessons are no joke.

From his dream that day he will learn quite a lot;

sometimes it's your day, and sometimes it's not.'

Again just to reiterate, this is a poem about a guy who passed out in a jiu jitsu fight...this isn't a poem glorifying male violence or anything like that. It's part of the sport, and obviously as a gay man I'm inspired to craft poems that are inspired by male beauty in all its forms...including in this case, the beauty of a defeated man who has partaken in the sport he loves.

Interested to know what others might think.

Update:

Thanks for the advice folks...or at least to those of you who offered up more helpful and positive advice.

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    7 years ago
    Favourite answer

    I can see your love for men and respect for the sport, the poem is okay, and that all I can say.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    Interesting,

  • 7 years ago

    would be much better and a more serious poem if you got rid of the rhymes

    Source(s): <----currently getting my masters in creative writing/poetry
  • 7 years ago

    it's beautiful... we done Sir.

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