I don't want to be gay?
I'm a 21 yo guy, never had a girlfriend, but never had a boyfriend even though I've known I'm gay since ever since I can remember. [I’m “Open” but not in the sense that you probably think].
I'm not bi. I have little interest in girls. I mean, I'll be vain enough to say this for the sake of an explanation, but I'm attractive. I get a lot of girls who want to get to know me. And I'm naturally masculine. Every now and then I catch myself trying to play along with these girls, but it never goes any further than just stares. The sex drive just isn't there.
Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm attracted to men. There's no doubt about it. I don't question it at all. It's something that I've come to accept. My likes have evolved since that sex urge kicked in, I know what type of guy I like, it's all there. The problem is, I want none of it. I tried it, it didn't work out. I don't fit in with any gay crowd. And trust me I've had plenty of different opportunities; it's just something that doesn't interest me at all.
So now I step back and realize how miserable I am. I love my life when I cruise by and people assume I'm straight. I think of a relationship, and I would want nothing more than to have a wife. But that's not possible. The drives to make that come true aren't there.
So I turned to the gay side to give it a shot, and before I knew it I was back to where I started. I wasn't ashamed of anything. But my life comes to a halt at my sex drive in that side. Like I said at the start, I’m open. I don’t hide what I am. But the thing I that because of that, I just end up being taken as straight.
I’ve tried being exclusively gay, whatever that means, and frankly it was just repulsive to me. The only thing I got out of it was failed relationships and friendships from gay guys thinking they were converting a straight guy through sex. Why did they think that? Because I wanted nothing more than sex. I didn’t care about anything else, there was no commitment to anything. So I abandoned all of that altogether.
And so I’m back here, realizing how miserable I am. My social life is straight, my sex drive is gay. I’m in a conflict where I’ve come to accept both sides, and only one makes me unhappy. I’ve been open on the gay side thinking it would change anything, and instead it made me more miserable since it showed me that I wanted none of it. But I still got the sex drive, so hey, gay sex is all I can enjoy? That’s hardly the life I want.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. This is borderline depressing. My life has zero purpose. I want somebody close to me, and I can't have that somebody because my everything wants something different than what my d!ck wants.
To those saying to keep looking, that's the problem, there's nowhere to look.
Whenever I look on the gay side, I don't look for somebody to be with, I end up looking for somebody to sleep with.
Now, whenever I look at the straight side, I see everything that I want. But I just don't have the sex drive to get it. I've had every opportunity to be with some of the best looking girls around. Great characters too, but I just fall flat. As if they're interesting, but that's just it -- no sex drive.
Then with the guys it's the opposite. There's plenty of guys that I find attractive and can easily engage with sexually, but there is zero attachment outside of sex. I don't want a relationship built on sex. And the problem here is that I don't look at guys for anything other than sex.