Jerry
Lv 6
Jerry asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 9 years ago

She gave me a marriage ultimatum?

My girlfriend Danielle told me either we get married or she is leaving me. We have a daughter together and she is currently pregnant with our 2nd child. She told me she wants to be a real family and get married. I love her so much but I am afraid of getting divorced. My parents divorced when i was young and it ruined my childhood. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I would be lost if she left she is my rock. What should i do?

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  • 9 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Your children and you will suffer just as much if you two break up, whether or not you were legally married. I don't entirely agree with her approach. If marriage was important to her, why did she have children with you first? I think its pretty selfish and unfair on her part to threaten to break up the family if you don't marry her. Hence, why I don't advise getting pregnant if marriage is your goal.

    That being said, I understand her desire to be married, especially since you two have kids. I think it is just as selfish on your part not to marry her and risk splitting up your family. It is selfish to your kids and selfish to her. Again, I don't agree with her threats, but c'Mon! She gave you two kids! Just marry her. I wouldn't let her coerce you into a huge expensive wedding or diamond ring if you can't afford it, bit she is taking care of your kids and acting as your wife. Time to face tour fears. At this point if you two break up it will be similar to a divorce. She can still sue you for child support and there will be custody to work out and lawyers and courts may be involved. So you aren't saving yourself that much headache by refusing to marry her.

    Your fears are valid, so talk to her. What would help you feel more secure? Do you two need to attend counseling or work on co-parenting more? Are there some major problems that you need to work on before you feel more confident? Talk to her and see where compromises can be made.

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  • 9 years ago

    My husband had some of the same reservations that you have. He was in the Army, and had reservations about marrying me because of the amount of unfaithfulness that happens to military couples. I told him that he would just have to trust that I would be faithful.

    As far as the divorce thing, my parents divorced when I was young, and I hated that! I wanted so bad to have both parents at home...it was for the best in their case though. You just have to make sure that this person is THE ONE and vow to always work things out and try your hardest to not be like your parents.

    I gave my husband the marriage ultimatum. Little did I know that when I did that, he had already bought my ring :)

    We were married after 7 months of being engaged and 2 weeks later, he deployed to Iraq for a year. Out of the almost 3 years we have been married, that year was by far our strongest year!

    Good luck!

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  • 9 years ago

    You need to do several things:

    1. Realize that you are not your parents and their divorce has nothing to do with you or your love for her.

    2. Discuss your fears with her - and listen (REALLY LISTEN) to what she has to say.

    3. Get into couple's counseling together so you can A) learn how to put your fears to rest; and B) enable you both to build some tools to help you stay together. Failure to communicate effectively is probably the most hidden reason for divorce. This includes discussing things like parenting and finances.

    Finally:

    4. TOGETHER you need to set a date and a budget. Stick to the budget AND the date. Remember, you can get married on less than $100 - but try for about $1,000 so she can have the pretty dress, cake and a modest reception for 35 of your closest friends and relatives.

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  • Did you tell her about how your feel about your parent's divorce? Also tell her about how you feel about her from what you said.

    I mean i can understand that she wants to get married, you have to know, marriage is only on a piece of paper. Nothing will change on how the relationship is. If that's the paper she wants, why not? She obviously love you enough to want to spend the rest of her life with you. You're afraid of divorce, but you aren't afraid of breaking up? It's very similar in terms of lifestyle.

    Good luck!

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    So you're committed enough to her to get her pregnant twice but won't marry her? Man up already.

    My parents divorced when I was young as well and it taught me to be determined to make a marriage work. Just because your parents divorced doesn't mean you will. Granted the odds of a marriage failing for people in your situation (and mine for that matter) are higher but it's not a guarantee you'll fail.

    If you love her as much as you say you do and don't want to lose her, then marry her.

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  • Onya
    Lv 5
    9 years ago

    Oh man... you just answered your own question! "I would be lost if she left she is my rock." if you feel this way then you owe it to her to get married. Otherwise she WILL move on with her life...as she should. Everyone should be happy and I don't know what is keeping you from moving forward other than what your parents did? Don't ever let someone else's failures dictate you into not doing something. YOU WILL be miserable if you do that....

    Good luck to her!

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  • Paula
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    Marry, duh.

    It's the parents separating that causes the trauma, this can happen whether or not they're married. In fact you're more likely to separate if you don't marry.

    You've asked variants on this so many times, I'm suspecting your questions aren't real. But if they are: man up and marry her.

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  • 9 years ago

    Marriage is a formality... wouldn't the consequences be the same for your children if you broke up now? Would a divorce paper make it any worse? It's not the papers who make the difference, you know...

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  • 9 years ago

    If you don't get married, she leaves. Same result. If you love her, and you have children together, what's wrong with getting married?

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  • 9 years ago

    Hey, Colt McCoy is married so what have you got to lose?

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