How do I make up for being a control freak and being verbally abusive to my wife?

My wife, who is a beautiful and intelligent woman, have been together for over 6 years and married for almost three. I used to travel for work and was usually only home for the weekends and then on Monday I was off again. About a year and a half ago I was taken off the road and promoted to a position in the office. So I was now home and it was a strange place. I started seeing things that I never noticed before and then I started seeing little clues everywhere that she had been seeing someone in my absence. Long story short; she was having an affair. Of course there was a fight, name calling and me threatening to leave. She begged me to stay and we talked. It turns out it was an affair that was just starting and she didn’t want to be with him. She said she wanted to be with me. She told me that she felt abandoned and neglected by me. We had a 7 month old baby girl (now 2) and I decided I would stay and try to work things out. Over the last year though I have been rotten to her (never physically abusive –like that makes a difference, right?-), called her names, exploded over every little thing, and just became a control freak to the point where I’m checking every e-mail, text message, using family locater to find her etc. etc. About two weeks ago I started talking openly to a friend of mine about my behavior (as the nut job) and something he said changed everything in my mind. He said, “You know, you can’t control other people’s behavior. Not your co-workers, not your friends and certainly not your wife’s, only your own.” Yesterday I sat down with my wife; I explained to her that I understood why she hasn’t been happy for the past year. I explained that I loved her and that she meant the world to me. I conceded that she had absolutely no reason to still love me and that if she wanted me to leave I would go and let her move on. She said that she wanted to work things out and didn’t want our family to break up, but she couldn’t take the **** from me any more. That’s the background now here’s what I’ve got to figure out: How do I make up for being so rotten to her for so long and what kinds of things can I do to reassure her?


Geena, Wombat, David and Angelus thanks for the advice and help. All of your answers were great and were much appreciated. You all deserved “Best Answer” for one aspect or another. I had to roll a die from my Yatzee game to pick a winner for the points. Thanks, again folks. And to “Ryde on”; thanks for the comic relief, I laughed my butt off.

9 Answers

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Start by complimenting her on her skillful ability to turn this around on you.

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    You know, your wife understood and accepted the things you were doing because she knows she was to blame for a lot of it. If she really wanted to leave you during the past year, she would have. Of course she's going to say she can't take the hostility from you anymore because you came to her with a sorrowful heart. If you are having trust issues with your wife, than that is something that you need to deal with - and she needs to know this. You have not forgotten nor have you forgiven what happened with her and this is why you are the way you are. No, you can't control any one else's behavior but your own, but if you're going to give this marriage a chance you've got to start trusting again. I know it's hard. It's like telling someone who's been burned in a fire, "put your hand on the hot stove, it won't hurt." It's all up to you, my friend. During times like these, I always recommend that you give your worry and concern to God. Just have a conversation with Him and ask Him what He wants and needs for you to do in this situation. He has the best and right answer, the answer you need to move forward during this trial in your life.

  • 10 years ago

    You make it up to her by improving your behavior, now that you recognize it isn't getting you what you want.. This is something that you should really do for your own sake and not for hers.

    I don't see how she has much right to complain. After all she CHOSE to cheat, then she CHOSE to stay with you. I'd say you had every right to feel angry, suspicious, and resentful of her. (although you chose to express those feelings in ways I wouldn't necessarily agree with....)

    Look. I don't think you owe her an apology.

    Her complaining that she felt "abandoned and neglected" hardly justifies her cheating on you. IF she felt so miserable, why didn't she complain to you BEFORE she chose to cheat?

    If you ask me that's a total bullshit excuse on her part; which really shows she didn't want to take responsibility for her own poor decisions. In other words, she wasn't being honest and upfront about her feelings before she cheated, and she certainly wasn't being honest about her feelings when you confronted her. (not even to herself) If past behavior is any is indication of the future, I'd say she hasn't been communicating her real feelings this last year either.

    People cheat because it's exciting and feels good, and they WANT to cheat. This is the same reason people buy ice cream cones. Only, some people realize they are on a diet and say to themselves, even though I WANT ice cream, I'm not going to.

  • David
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    In your narrative I see anger, fear, lack of trust.

    If you're smart -- and I suspect that you are -- you will get a marriage counselor for yourself. At the present, the #1 problem is YOU and what YOU are going to do with your situation.

    Chances are you'll need to work on abuse/neglect issues from your own childhood (it's a standard thing, because hardly any parents ever know what they're doing, so don't worry about it). So that'll be a lot of sessions between you and your counselor to work on you.

    Then, you'll have to work on issues dealing with the relationship between you and your wife. Talk with your counselor to see what would be the best way to do that.

    Your wife will probably need a counselor to help her work through whatever it is that she feels the need to work through. Whatever you do, don't tell her that she has to get a counselor. The moment you put your guiding hand to her counseling, you've lost a lot of "Brownie Points." Just make the resources for rehabilitating your relationship available, and let her take the initiative to work on her own issues.

    Counselors are not cheap, but I guarantee you (triple your money back!!!) whatever you spend in counseling sessions will be a small fraction of what you could pay to divorce lawyers, and for counseling for your children. Yep, your dysfunctional marital relationship is currently affecting your kids. They are learning from you how married couples get along. If they feel insecure now because of your stormy relationship, they will carry those emotions with them into adolescense and into adulthood, and will conduct their relationships the same way you do.

    However . . . you could give your kids a priceless gift -- You can show them how to heal a damaged marriage relationship. They had front row seats to its fall, they will have front row seats to its healing. That's the sort of lesson that not too many children get a chance to learn, so if anything is good about this situation, this is it.

    The best thing you can give your wife right now to reassure her of a better future is Forgiveness. You shouldn't tell her that you forgive her; you should forgive her. Understand that her other relationship grew out of problems with your own, and nursing resentment will lead to blame and anger, which will make resolution of your problems impossible. So, Forgive.

    Enough of this . . . Go find yourself a counselor.

    Best wishes,

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  • 10 years ago

    I was you... I am a woman that was cheated on by a man that was the traveler... I gave him hell for two solid years after...your hurting.. You need to get some counseling to help you through the distrust you have right now. Its going to be hard but she also has to realize for a while she needs to be transparent to you. It is only by that you can heal and feel like you can trust her again. I would strongly advise you to get couples counseling. Don't give up please I understand ive been there BUT it DOES GET BETTER!

  • 10 years ago

    Guy who act this way are scared to death of losing their wives. So admit that and work on yourself. You would score some big points if you see a counselor. Then she could go too. This has the potential of breaking you up permanetely, so go for the professional help if you are serious!

    Source(s): Married for 49 years.
  • 10 years ago

    You have the right to be mad at her but still she was cheating on you. You dont do anything unless you feel bad for what you did, get her some flowers or something she likes.

  • 10 years ago

    be a totally different person that who u are now

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    wrong be bachilar

    Source(s): sex
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