Girls, how do you deal with rape?

Years ago, I was a17 yo girl who told my bf no at least 7 times. He tried to put it in, and I said no. He stopped. And he said, "Aren't you glad you aren't a virgin anymore?" I was traumatized for life. Every encounter after that I consented because I thought I was no longer a virgin, why did... show more Years ago, I was a17 yo girl who told my bf no at least 7 times. He tried to put it in, and I said no. He stopped. And he said, "Aren't you glad you aren't a virgin anymore?" I was traumatized for life.

Every encounter after that I consented because I thought I was no longer a virgin, why did it matter? 7 months later after still not feeling right and still feeling violated, I told authorities. But my bf kept telling me I said yes. He said if I really didn't want it then I could of yelled, I could have hit him, and that he said he knew many more guys who were more aggressive than he was. Though he was right that I did say yes, I said it only AFTER that first encounter. The first time... very first time, I had said no. I told them my bf's story of the events instead because I had so much self doubt about the first encounter. Did he really put it in? does it count? He didn't finish, after all. Maybe that didn't count as sex. The cop pressured into pressing charges, but I didn't want to. I never told them of the first encounter thinking it didn't count. After that, the cop ridiculed me for trying to accuse an "innocent man." I cried a lot thinking the cop was right. My bf was after all a Christian.

I lost a friend even because she doesn't believe me since the cop agrees with my bf. Both my friend and my ex bf have been harassing me for at least 6 years through email, IMing, and other messages while I have stopped talking to both of them and not contacted them for 8 years. My bf was confident I would return to him even after the rape accusations. My parents allowed him to be in a relationship with me again and let him in our house. I was terrified. Thinking I had very little control in getting rid of him. I didn't want a relationship with him. So I forced the break up.

But somewhere deep inside, I think he knows what he did was wrong now that he's older. I think that's why he still tries to contact me. No innocent man would still follow a girl accusing him of rape.

Anyway, it's been 10 years now. Things have surfaced up again since hearing from him on fb. I just don't know what else to do to calm my anxiety. I haven't been able to sleep again for a few days now.
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