What do you think of this story idea?

Okay, I wrote a fanfic called 'Apathy'. It was slash/yaoi... so if this isn't your cup of tea, please leave now. I will not tolerate rude haters. Anyway, I was thinking of rewriting it into an original story, with a few edits, of course. Anyway, here is the rewrite/edited idea for an original story...

It's about a man, a hardened soldier who has a clear love for making things go 'boom' and is loyal, dedicated, but somewhat immature at times. Clearly an unstable person, by most accounts. His military team is disbanded after an 'accident' that kills the teams leader and another. Our loveable yet unstable arsonist is left spiraling out of control... heading toward disaster as he is an adrenaline junkie and has nothing to do... when out of the blue, he hears that his ex-girlfriend has died in a car crash... orphaning her little girl. DNA test prove our hero is her father... let's call him Duane for the moment. Duane automatically, as the loyal and dedicated person he is, steps up to the plate to take car of his daughter. The man who is supposably his best friend, whom he respects a great deal and worked with, is dead set against him assuming custody of the young girl- since, let's face it... he's an ex-Marine with a fetish for blowing things up. Not father material. This causes a several year rift between the two friends.

They are thrown back together again when two mutual friends- also from their former military team- go missing, presumed kidnapping. The general that oversaw their military team is concerned about a plot, a conspiracy, so she sends the second character to protect our new daddy, Duane, and his loveable daughter.

What he finds is surprising. Both father and daughter love each other, the daughter is happy and well-adjusted and very intellegent for her age. So smart that she is being homeschooled because she is so far advanced of her peers. Against his better judgement... our second character finds himself falling for the charm of the little girl... and slowly he finds himself becoming attracted to her father. But their almost-relationship is hindered by their past... and by the present tension with their two friends still missing.

It is eventually the daughter who figures out the who and where of the kidnapping, though of course no-one beleives her. She kidnaps the second character- we shall call him Charlie- in order to help hunt down and find the two friends of her fathers. She worms her way into Charlie's heart even more while poor Duane is beside himself with worry and trying to round up a search party to go after them.

It has a heavy, heart-pounding climax with explosions and gunfights and heart-stopping moments when they think the little girl dies. Charlie blames himself and leaves, leaving Duane heart-broken and with an injured daughter. Eventually Duane manages to get Charlie to see nothing he could have done would have prevented the girl getting hurt and they agree to try making a more permanant relationship.

So? What do you think of this idea? Anything I can improve on? Any ideas will be welcome! Except for flames and trolls. I hate trolls. If you can't at least act mature and civilized, then GO AWAY. Please and thank you in advance for all help!

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  • 1 decade ago
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    It looks good and interesting I was a little lost at some parts but that just my slow brain at this hour. MY fave part was the next to last paragraph where the girl figures out the mystery. i would definitely read it if it were published,

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