Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 10 years ago

my poems, i can't tell?

i wrote some poems, but everyone seems like they're lying, and telling me they're good. it might just be i can't accept that what i wrote is good, or maybe i'm just paranoid. can you comment as much as you can on two of them?

first one

HEART VICE

It hurts again

It started squeezing harder

It won't let up

And I try to pretend

I just smile louder

I won't let anyone know

It has begun constricting

It doesn't ever end

It won't ease up

I can't show that I’m hurting

This attack I can't begin to fend

I won't let anything show

It will make me lame

It leaves no opening

It won't give up

I will never be the same

I am left only hoping

But if I die, will I go above or below?

Am I to be trapped forever in this heart vice?

second one

DREAMING?

Am I dreaming?

I can't tell

Bottom of this rabbit hole

From which I fell

Is this heaven

Or am I still in hell?

It doesn't make sense

But im not sure it’s fake

When it almost feels real

That’s when I wake

I can't see im cold

My eyes burn I begin to shake

And when I’m sure it’s a dream

It just doesn’t end

It’s like just a little

My reality begins to bend

These two worlds are different

But their boundaries are beginning to blend

I don't have much more time

The end is near I’ve seen it

But is this real or am I dreaming

He’s coming but this can't be it

He stabs me in my chest

This must be a dream, so why can I feel it?

Update:

thank you, Gemini Singer, but i write poems when a certain emotion, or feeling, starts overflowing or boiling over. if i feel happiness to the point where it is seeping from me, or if it is hugely inspirational, then i will write about it. so far though, i haven't found anything close.

3 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Best answer

    I am partial to the second one..it's very good. It blends nicely and I am drawn in the mystery as it goes along. I'm just not sure about "He's coming" I didn't expect that..."He stabs me".. I just didn't think these two fit..there was no inclination of any He.. I would have thought just leave out the reference to a person because all along I'm getting the impression of feelings and dreams as a perception and comparison to being awake...so it makes more sense to be consistent at the end and just say - It's coming..and - The stabs in my chest.

    I think it's a great ending.....finally it's clear that despite the surreal feeling...the pain tells you it's real.

    The first one was too repetitive in the "It"...If you use different terms the flow will sound better and sound nicer when a person reads it. The thoughts are well put together and lead the reader slowly with a consistent focus. I just thought one thing was a little surprising.. I didn't understand where it came from.."But if I die...will l go above or below" In my opinion..I'm lead along with the coping and perseverance of the internal and external pressures of dealing with your broken heart...not any suggestion of death..except this one line,then you end by going back to thoughts of your broken heart. You have a talent of writing.. I enjoy them.

    I'm no expert and can only give you one opinion. Don't take it too seriously...you may totally disagree with my critic and opt to keep them just the way they are. You do very well and have a perception that shows a lot of feeling...which draws me in to want to read more. Good job.

    I hope this is what you were looking for and found it somewhat helpful.

    :)

  • 4 years ago

    Nice to see you Sue.. The poem gives a lovely image, and one day we will see what our eyes could not fully see here on earth. We will experience in fullness the true ending won't we?! I know it will be one that is filled with joy and many surprises.

  • 10 years ago

    the first one is better than the second one,the line i just smile louder is fabulous,in my opinion the last verse could be better. In second poem you are forcing the rhyming. If you really want to challenge yourself,try writing something happy.It's a common thing to write heartbreakers,but hardly anyone can do the happy thing! Good luck,you show promise! Oh,in second one the line their boundaries are beginning to blend is great too.

    Source(s): my opinion only as a songwriter
Still have questions? Get answers by asking now.