heyy <3 asked in Social SciencePsychology · 1 decade ago

i don't feel like i know who i am... please read the whole question, otherwise don't read (its long)?

there is different sides of me, much like anyone else. a side you show to public, the side you only show to best friends and people you trust and the side that you keep private from everyone.

in public im "normal". im social, and dress "preppy" and would talk to anyone and love to make people smile but don't show that much of my true self, i feel like more of an observer, even if it seems im totally in the conversation and happy.

with my best friends i show more of myself. i act happy and bubbly, crazy and wild. i have great friends, they have been my friends since like kindergarten. but it seems like i have to fake my personality, and my happy bubbly personality is fake. what i think is my true personality is fake.

in private im a different person. i would much rather lock myself up in my room and forget the world than go downstairs to watch tv with my family, or go with my friends. i just sit at my computer most of the time, watch youtube vids, read people's twitter, and blogs, find new information ect and im happy, wrapped up in my own world. nothing matters and i feel genuinely happy. but when i think about the real world all the happiness goes away and i feel sad. then i realize i have to get back into the world eventually, sometimes i feel like going away from the world completely.. so one day i thought about killing myself... but then i would never have the moments of happiness when im alone and think and listen to music and read, basically be in my own mind. i wouldn't ever find out what will happen tomorrow. so i said no. i would never do that, i love my own little world in my head that i made for myself. but the real world as it is now annoys the heck out of me... and i hate it. i would give almost anything to just move away on my own... move to another country. there i would go to school, and do everything i have to do, as long as i could live alone and not have to make any friends... i would be perfectly fine and happy all the time.

i like school, but i always feel like i have to pretend im something im not. my own world is such a better place to be... the the problem is my world is in my head, and i could never be part of it, so im stuck with this world. and being in my world takes its toll on the real world. i feel out of touch with people... and its horrible when i actually have to actually have to get back into reality.

i hate to truly express my feelings.. i have a journal, but i would not put any emotions into it because what if someone where to read it. what if i died, and my mom or someone comes across it. they would think im horribly pathetic with how i feel and horribly pathetic that i have to go to a whole different world in my head to feel completely whole and happy. this i dont feel ashamed of expressing my emotions on here because this will always be anonymous, and only i know the password to this, so no one will ever know i wrote it. i am just another person on this website. no matter what happens i can confess it on here and no one i know will ever trace this back to me. every one i know can read this... but i wont care, this could be anybody writing this.

as much as i hate reality, i would love just one person who i can talk to no matter what. someone that i can make smile and feel important, and they would make me feel important and loved. a person who would not judge me for my mistakes and stick with me through it all... then i could actually return to the real world forever and never look back at my pathetic world i make inside my head that makes everything go away and nothing matter but until then i can never go into the real world and be myself. i always worry people will judge me. there isnt really even anything that i could do to mess things up, but i think, what if one person thinks that i messed up or something. i know it should not matter.. and i would even give some one the advice saying that it does not matter what people think, and just be yourself, but its so different if you are actually in the situation.

if one person thinks bad of me... they might always think that way, because what if i never see them again. i would never be able to to make them think otherwise. and what if that person could have changed my life, been my best friend, been the one person i could tell all my secrets to. but if i make one mistake or do something thats weird or something...and they think bad of me... i would never know what could have happen.

i think i really need a good friend... but i already made my mark and status. some people i never talk to... and maybe we can be best friends... but since we have known of each other for a year and never talked it would just be awkward. so apparently i messed it up with those people.

i desperately want to show true self.. BUT I DONT KNOW WHO MY REAL SELF IS! even if i did know i wouldnt be able to show it, my friends dont understand anything... but i still love them to death. i just cant vent to them... WHICH I


p.s im a 13 year old girl...

6 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    hey darling....

    i understand. i know you probably don't believe that, but i UNDERSTAND. my friend, i am fifteen, but i feel just the way you do. when i was thirteen, i was just as confused and lost like you are now. i thought i'll sort myself out in time, but it's two years now, and i'm STILL feeling the same way.

    i understand what you mean by being different people in different situations. i know how hard and tiring that is. because that's how i am too. i do not necessarily have the need to, but sometimes, i'm concerned about how people think of me, i want to be ACCEPTED, not popular or beautiful or smart. i just do not want to be... out casted. i don't want to be different. i just want to blend in.

    i don't know where you are from, and in what kind of society you're in. but i know no matter where you are, you're SUPPOSED to laugh at the right jokes, giggle at the right people, mock and jeer at the right nerd, gossip with the right crowd. it's that simple, if you want to be like them, be one of them. sometimes, it's easier being someone you're expected to be, than being the someone you really are. my friend, i know a lot of thoughts are running through your mind now, you're confused and lost and afraid and i don't know what else. i know how hard it is to find yourself and be yourself. it takes time, darling, give yourself some time....

    maybe i'll just ignore your question (which, may i say, have been read thoroughly by me) and tell you my story first.

    i am a very quiet person. i think and dream a LOT. but i never reveal what goes on inside of me, i mask everything and pretend it's not there. around my friends, i'm this just nice, cheery, normal girl. or at least, i pretend to be. people still often comment that i'm too dreamy, too deep in thoughts, too quiet, too aloof, too worried..... but the thing is, i've tried. i've tried to come out of my shell, but it's never happening.

    oh, and in public, i'm "normal" too. and my world is also, to me a better place.

    with my mother around, i'm forever this bright, happy, loud, young lady. i know it's crazy, but i hate letting my mother know so much. i hate letting her know that at times i cry to myself at night, i hate letting her know that i'm this girl who drops tears at sad movies, i hate letting her know i have any sad feelings at all. one reason, it's because she already holds the picture in her head that i'm this happy child who doesn't have much to worry about, and i don't want to spoil that picture. another reason is that, i prefer her to know less about me. i know this is so crazy, not wanting your family to know so much about you when you are one of them, but that's just me. i prefer to keep my secrets to myself and pretend i don't have any. so i try telling my mother as much as i can, about those topics i don't care about, like my friends and homework and stuff, i never tell her my true feelings. my sadness. my frustration.

    i hide everything and act like there's nothing to hide.

    dear friend, we are teenagers, we are our own worlds. i value my space and privacy. a lot. i bet you do, too.

    in front of my friends, i don't try to pretend i don't hide anything that much. i let them know i have my secrets and privacy. i spend less time with them, but they know there's a lot i don't tell. but i joke and laugh with them all the same.

    shall i be totally honest with you? sometimes, i wish i don't have any friends at all. sometimes those "friends" are only burdens to me. i don't know what to do with them. i don't know what's "normal" to them. i don't know what i should do, where to be, or who to be with sometimes. i don't feel like i'm one of them. hence at certain times when i simply want to be alone, i straight-forwardly tell them i need to think some things out and be alone. at first they did not quite understand it, but now they do. that's why i prefer to be in school sometimes, people know me and know that i like having time by myself, that i'm quiet at times. at home, i feel like i'm expected to be that happy and loud girl i not really am.

    today my mother's not at home, she went somewhere and is coming home the day after tomorrow. i'm just myself. my father brought me to the mall, or actually, the bookstore in the mall. i was happy. i was free. at a certain time i was hungry and asked my father for permission to buy some food somewhere. i went to mc'd and brought two burgers, although i knew my father had eaten already. i still bought one for him. my father is a little unlike my mother, he's a little quiet too, like me. and when we are together the silence is normal. when it is i and my mother, silence feels weird. like a sound with a mute ringing. with me and my mother, everything has to be spoken. if it is me and other people, many things go unspoken.

    sometimes i just feel like giving up and be the loner i am. but i think about the consequences: i still need other people, what happens if i give up and people do not know me at all? what if people forget about me? how am i going to ask for help when i need it? into which group will i place myself when we are to do groupworks?

    sometimes i just want to give up and be the antisocial i am. but my mother will notice my coldness and ask WHY. and how am i to answer? "sorry ma, that's simply who i am"? no. and she'll try to counsel me the way she counsels just anybody else. and i'm not just any......"anybody else" i'm me.

    teenagers are naturally harder to be understood, so don't blame yourself if you don't understand youself.

    i already treat you as my sister, so if there's anything you want to talk about, email me. i'm always there.

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    Okay, there are a few things you could do. The main thing here is you need to confront him. This may be difficult, he's obviously VERY dominant (and, I'm sorry to say, will NOT make a good father), and because he's abused you in the past. You need to voice your concerns to him, what you feel and why, and ask for solutions, like "What do I need to do to let you trust me?" Communication is necessary in any relationship, this one is no exception. His behavior suggests to me that he could possibly be the one cheating. He obviously has little respect or regard for you, and his accusations might be so that you're so insecure about yourself that you don't investigate him. It's a common tactic, even if they're not doing it intentionally. Like kids in the playground who call other kids gay, are often just trying to make it look like the others are gay and not them. My first suggestion would be to leave him, but I understand that you don't want to. Love is a fickle thing. The best thing for your relationship, then, is to take everything you've said here and say it to him. If he abuses you for it, then you're either going to have to put up with it, or leave him. That is your choice. Once they're past their teen years, there is little hope of changing the way someone is. Especially someone like this.

  • 1 decade ago

    I did not read everything on there but I did skim through. Sounds like an early sign of depression [don't overreact, everyone goes through one at one point of their lives]. If you're not happy all the time, then don't be afraid to show it. Being you is the best thing you can do for everyone...

    Keeping yourself in your room is completely normal; most teenagers do it all the time so you're not alone. Everyone thinks about the dangers of doing to oneself such as suicide or self-injuy... don't think you're alone in everything you think or feel. If I were you, I would talk to the person you think knows you the best OR will understand you the best. Talking usually helps relieve your pain. Plus, it's the safest way. Go to a school's counselor, talk to a good teacher, anyone who YOU know is sure to help you.

    I don't recommend you continue on showing everyone your fake side... I dislike it when people wear masks to school; they're showing me a complete fake that I never wanted to know. Real people are the ones who make real friends. I'm not trying to put you down but I'm warning you about it. I thought I had a ton of friends; I was that bubbly happy person too who cracks jokes all the time.

    One incident taught me that not everyone shows their true masks. I have extreme trust issues with people because of my fake friends... I highly highly highly recommend you slowly become yourself and don't be someone everyone expects you to be, because everyone expects you to be you.

  • Carl
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I suggest you follow the link below, sign up for free, and read the 9 basic enneagram type descriptions and try to determine which one fits you best. There's a free 'test' you can take, but I recommend that you only take it after reading the descriptions because reading them is the best way to find your type. Once you find your basic type, also read about the different levels of health to see where you fit in. There's also lots of other stuff to read on the site. If you find all of that interesting, then I suggest you get a copy of Riso and Hudson's "Personality Types" - maybe from the library if you don't want to buy a copy - because it's got a lot more info in it. And it's a very good way to find out who your real self is, as well as how you can become a healthier self and enjoy life more.

    Best wishes on your journey of self discovery.

    Source(s): Enneagram Institute http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
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  • 1 decade ago

    impressed at how well you can conceal yourself, I don't think I can do it...at least be proud of ur skills in acting ;)

    you might be surprised...there are probably a lot of people who are facing similar problems like u (ie. who am I/ should I let ppl know my true self ) than u realized, and these people are probably struggling inside as much as you are...one thing that I've come to realize is that humans are more alike than different.

    The best person to talk to without feeling regrets later would be a therapist (since they need to keep your issues confidential)...though this might be a bit difficult if u're still in high school. Most colleges have free counseling services for their students. If u're a college student, make use of it!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    that is realllly long, lol.

    but doesnt it feel good to let it all out?

    if people cant accept you, for who you are, then they dont deserve you.

    i feel like i dont know who i am sometimes, but then i look back, and think about all the good things inmy life. dont worry about the past, look foward to the future.

    you know, its okay to be happy in your own little world, thats where all the happiness mostly always is.

    havnnt you ever heard the sayin, "fairtales are better then reality."?

    thats your answer. (:

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