I don't feel like i know who i am... please read the whole question, otherwise don't read (its long)?
in public im "normal". im social, and dress "preppy" and would talk to anyone and love to make people smile but don't show that much of my true self, i feel like more of an observer, even if it seems im totally in the conversation and happy.
with my best friends i show more of myself. i act happy and bubbly, crazy and wild. i have great friends, they have been my friends since like kindergarten. but it seems like i have to fake my personality, and my happy bubbly personality is fake. what i think is my true personality is fake.
in private im a different person. i would much rather lock myself up in my room and forget the world than go downstairs to watch tv with my family, or go with my friends. i just sit at my computer most of the time, watch youtube vids, read people's twitter, and blogs, find new information ect and im happy, wrapped up in my own world. nothing matters and i feel genuinely happy. but when i think about the real world all the happiness goes away and i feel sad. then i realize i have to get back into the world eventually, sometimes i feel like going away from the world completely.. so one day i thought about killing myself... but then i would never have the moments of happiness when im alone and think and listen to music and read, basically be in my own mind. i wouldn't ever find out what will happen tomorrow. so i said no. i would never do that, i love my own little world in my head that i made for myself. but the real world as it is now annoys the heck out of me... and i hate it. i would give almost anything to just move away on my own... move to another country. there i would go to school, and do everything i have to do, as long as i could live alone and not have to make any friends... i would be perfectly fine and happy all the time.
i like school, but i always feel like i have to pretend im something im not. my own world is such a better place to be... the the problem is my world is in my head, and i could never be part of it, so im stuck with this world. and being in my world takes its toll on the real world. i feel out of touch with people... and its horrible when i actually have to actually have to get back into reality.
i hate to truly express my feelings.. i have a journal, but i would not put any emotions into it because what if someone where to read it. what if i died, and my mom or someone comes across it. they would think im horribly pathetic with how i feel and horribly pathetic that i have to go to a whole different world in my head to feel completely whole and happy. this i dont feel ashamed of expressing my emotions on here because this will always be anonymous, and only i know the password to this, so no one will ever know i wrote it. i am just another person on this website. no matter what happens i can confess it on here and no one i know will ever trace this back to me. every one i know can read this... but i wont care, this could be anybody writing this.
as much as i hate reality, i would love just one person who i can talk to no matter what. someone that i can make smile and feel important, and they would make me feel important and loved. a person who would not judge me for my mistakes and stick with me through it all... then i could actually return to the real world forever and never look back at my pathetic world i make inside my head that makes everything go away and nothing matter but until then i can never go into the real world and be myself. i always worry people will judge me. there isnt really even anything that i could do to mess things up, but i think, what if one person thinks that i messed up or something. i know it should not matter.. and i would even give some one the advice saying that it does not matter what people think, and just be yourself, but its so different if you are actually in the situation.
if one person thinks bad of me... they might always think that way, because what if i never see them again. i would never be able to to make them think otherwise. and what if that person could have changed my life, been my best friend, been the one person i could tell all my secrets to. but if i make one mistake or do something thats weird or something...and they think bad of me... i would never know what could have happen.
i think i really need a good friend... but i already made my mark and status. some people i never talk to... and maybe we can be best friends... but since we have known of each other for a year and never talked it would just be awkward. so apparently i messed it up with those people.
i desperately want to show true self.. BUT I DONT KNOW WHO MY REAL SELF IS! even if i did know i wouldnt be able to show it, my friends dont understand anything... but i still love them to death. i just cant vent to them... WHICH I