Am I a total loser or just an independent thinker who doesn't fit in with the world's idea of successful?
Fast forward 2004 to now, I've had friendships start, end...I've been hated, loved, praised, mocked. I've done masterful work in college, I've also done lazy work in college. I've been so anxious to get a 4.0 at times that I took Xanax to dull the nervousness but since about a year ago I just feel like I want to graduate and get out of there and I don’t stress the classes or my grades that much, just care about passing as it’s my last semester.
I smoked almost 2 packs a day for half a year due to school/interpersonal anxiety. I quit that 1.5 years ago. I got into shape and dropped 50 pounds while cutting my body fat to about 12% and looking really ripped. I became disillusioned with the fact that it didn't get a nice girlfriend so I put back some of the fat from before and it’s kind of like that time and effort was wasted at the gym. I tried to transform myself into a Pickup artist from reading 'The Game' to find strategies to get women at bars to like you. I became very outgoing with women and they responded, but again, it was either superficial banter at the bar or a superficial relationship that hurt me more than helped me.
I tried to find the Lord recently and bring myself to Jesus. I was saved (hopefully) and baptized at a Baptist church. I thought I would fit in there...but I didn't, they taught all these rules on what I could and couldn't do and I couldn't understand their hatred of all things 'normal' as well as Catholics and things like that. After having found a haven in the Church and being an active member like 2 or 3 days week for several months, I ended up telling them goodbye and never looking back. I do love Jesus and have a cross tattoo on my arm that I absolutely love, but I guess I don't love him as much as I should since I don't pray, repent regularly, or even pick up my KJV Bible.
My best friend of 11 years basically cut all ties with me for no apparent reason. My other friend just graduated with a degree in Econ from a great school but he was just taken to a psych ER for having semi-delusional thoughts and anxiety...I feel bad for him, but he'll be straight. I've tried to become a Jersey-shore type character where I dress with a huge cross and all fancy clothes, girls tell me I'm cute but that makes me feel even worse cuz I've been told that for years but I haven't had a relationship that has made me happy...just random, physically-satisfying sex that makes me feel miserable afterwards.
Now, everywhere I go...bars, clubs, strippers, prostitutes, girls off Craigslist who want nothing but sex, I keep getting questioned as to where I work, why did I quit a cushy govt job where I couldve been making 70 thousand in 5 years, and where I work now. I tell them I'm just studying full time, directing student films. They ask me why I still live at home. Why I'm not applying to grad school or looking to make something of myself? What is my drive...am I gonna move out to L.A. to become a big-time filmmaker? I don't have the answer to any of these questions.
I'm just existing...trying not to die, not to hurt people in any way other than my occasional rudeness which I’m working on...I want to feel good, avoid pain, have sex, be loved, make videos that touch people in some way, show people that I'm creative, prove to people that I'm smart who think I'm silly. What does it mean to be a success? When I had a job at SSA no one wanted me...now no one really wants me either who I consider relationship-worthy. Many believe I'm wasting my life away completely.
Do you guys think I'm a failure because I'm 23 with no job, still in college, and not working? So if I had my own place, a good job, and a degree on the wall would I be able to take these girls home and they'd love me? Is it drive that determines success, or results...or a high-paying job? I thought looks, charm, and funny stories was enough to find your dream girl. Now, is it just 'do you work and have your own place' that determines your status in life? By all means, dissect my life. I’m game.