I'm working on a poem and I'd like to know how it is so far. Could ya'll let me know?

Red Bird

Red bird singing in an old Elm tree,

Take my love and bring it back to me.

I make my wish and I blow a kiss.

I've never been so in love like this.

Fly red bird fly, take my heart up in the sky.

Find someone nice to give it to.

Make him come and follow you.

When you return to comfort me,

I'll be the one whom he will see.

Heart to heart and soul to soul,

with each other we make us whole.

Update:

Thanks Emy!

Update 2:

Thank you Jenn! I see what you are saying and you're right. It does need to be reworked.

Perhaps I should change it to,"take my heart so I won't miss?" anybody think that that would work?

4 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    Well at first I'm confused because you say: I've never been so in love like this.

    but then you also ask: take my heart up in the sky. Find someone nice to give it to.

    So you can see the problem. You already have love but you're asking to find someone else.

    I think you should rethink at least one of those lines so the reader doesn't get mixed up and at least knows wether you have love or if you're looking for love.

    Other than that I really like the beat and rhyme scheme and the idea. I think you have a lot of talent and it takes guts to post a poem on a website asking for constructive criticism, kudos!

  • 1 decade ago

    Aah..what a lovely poem. Has a whole story behind it. Nice! :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Woooww as soon as i saw that i loved it GOOD beat and song that really rhymes!! love it xoxo

  • 1 decade ago

    hey its really sweet!!!

    love it and i am looking forward for the rest of it!!!!

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