Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

husband goes clubbing?

I asked this early this morning but not too many were on. My husband goes Salsa dancing - which I don't mind. It's a lesson and then kind of just dancing afterwards. I was never really threatened about this because his motivation was to learn salsa, not dance with women - there's just no other way to learn. I can't go. I am pregnant and can't dance around like that AND I have a hectic work schedule and am just not able to go with him.

Lately he has been going to dance clubs though and this is making me upset. He says I should trust him. But when he didn't come home from work one night I went to the club that's near our house (only one in town) and I walked in to see him dancing with some girl. Her back was to him and his arms were around her. It looked like she was rubbing on him and he seemed to certainly be enjoying it. I grabbed him from behind and asked him who the hell she was and what the hell was he doing. Then I just got so mad I walked out. He claimed she was drunk and was a friend of the group he was with there and she grabbed him to go dancing and that he didn't have his arms around her - she was grabbing his arms. My response to that was, "I'm sorry is your excuse that the 120 pound little girl FORCED you to dance?????"

He asked me to forgive him but I wanted a fight. we got into it and he told me to just leave and that it wasn't going to work out because I EMBARASSED HIM IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE SMALL TOWN HE WORKS IN and that he can't show his face there anymore. I mean, he's more concerned about the people in town and being embarassed I called him out infront of them than hurting me!!!!!!

Then after we calmed down (well he calmed down I am still pretty PO'd), he called me and said that a husband shouldn't have acted that way and he understands why I'm mad.

I don't have reason to suspect he's cheating. I do have facts that show he's crossing the line though - for example the above. Another is that he went to a strip club. Another is the town tramp was texting him (but I will give him credit becuase he told her to leave him alone). He does tell women when they hit on him that he's married and he won't cheat, but then he goes and does THIS!!!!!

Uhh...I can't even stand him right now and when it's quiet all I can do is picture him dancing with her in that way. I am totally furious and I don't know how to/if I can get over this and he seems to want a "personal life" and thinks I'm too clingy because I check up on him. I check up on him because he pulls this crap!!!!!!

I want to make it work but it can't go on like this and I don't know how to get the image out of my head.

Update:

Jordan you obviously are not married. Normal married women, when they go into a club and see another woman grinding her a$$ against your husband's genitals don't politely tap him on the shoulder and say, please come home and have a conversation about this with me.

Also I have been married for 10 years so don't presume to tell me how to react in this situation.

Since this happened like a day ago, I say I still have a right to be pissed. I think it speaks a lot to your values that you wouldn't be.

Update 2:

Cassius, he's more than well over halfway to FORTY and still doing this like he's 19, lol. He does look younger so he gets away with it. I wish it was an issue of age because he should have stopped this along time ago then. I mean, I told him it's pathetic - he's gonna be 40 in a few short years.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

7 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    You not only embarassed him, you embarassed yourself as well, acting a fool at that club. Always conduct yourself with dignity. You could have asked him politely to come home and have a discussion behind closed doors. The fact that you say you have no reason to suspect he is cheating, yet you remain p issed off says a lot about your temperament. You are in no way ready for an adult relationship like marriage. In a successful marriage, you have to leave that kind of drama you seem to like to indulge in, behind you. He is not your child...he is an adult. Stop 'checking up' on him. That speaks of childishness and insecurity and shows you are distrustful, needy and clingy...all bad things for an adult. Grow up or let him go.

    Additional:

    Sweetie, I am married. An extremely successful marriage at that. I don't experience the kind of drama I read about on the board in my marriage or my household. My husband has enough respect, love and adoration for me to not disrespect me by going into a club and grinding on some random woman.

    You mentioned before in a previous post that your husband didn't love you anymore, but you were stuck. Losing your dignity in a public place for someone who deosn't love you is not a winning strategy.

    But it wasn't about him dancing on some woman at a club. That wasn't the issue I was pointing out to you. It was your basal reaction to it. As a woman, you always maintain your dignity. Clearly you didn't get it...and that is ok too.

    Good Luck to you.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Part of why you feel so upset could be pregnancy hormones - trust me, I've been there. But for the other part, I think you're right. He IS crossing a line here and stepping into dangerous ground. You're pregnant, I understand he can't sit at home all the time with you, he needs some time. However, his time could be with his friends, having fun, doing other things and not in a strip club or dancing with a girl's arms wrapped around him. If nothing else, if he doesn't respect you enough not to do this, he should respect himself enough, he'll be a father soon, this isn't how he should behave. I think the way you reacted was a bit over the edge due to hormones but he should understand that, you're having his baby, he should be patient and not do stuff that will upset you like this and definately he should stop crossing the line and push himself in the limits. It's only a few months, he can handle it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    is this the first baby? just curious as to what his motives might be. Having the first can make a lot of people feel like they are getting old. I think its a poor excuse, but its used alot. good job on calling his bluff. that was not right of him. and you didnt make him look bad, he was doing that well enough on his own. If he is so worried what other people would think about him, then why would he do that to his pregnant wife when they all know that he is married. You are not too clingy, you obviously have a reason not to trust him. If he cannot accept that due to his behaviour, than it may be best to go seperate ways. He cannot act single, that isnt an option anymore. good luck. if you need to talk you can email me, been in a similar situation while preggers too.

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  • ab
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I like clubs because of the fancy lighting effects, the groove music and so on. I wish I could take my wife to one, because I found her in a closet. She has no idea, what life is all about. I like dance clubs, some gentlemen's clubs, bowling, the carnival rides, the circus, the movie theathers, roller skating, ice skating, rock climbing, riding the bicycle at the bikes trails, walking, hiking, camping, fishing, rock concerts, car shows, etc,etc. Sucks! I cannot be able to share my happiness with the long time wife. I have a female friend on the side and she absolutely loves all these things.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Tell your husband that he can't be single and married at the same time. If he wanted a personal life, then he shouldn't have gotten married, and gotten you pregnant. He IS married now, with a child on the way...and he needs to understand that what he is doing is disrespectful to you. Ask him how he would feel if you acted in the same exact manner as him. I'll bet he never thought of it that way.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    So he is spending some time dancing at a club ? He will be too old and wrinkled for that soon enough, so chill.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    THat terrible=/

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