is he nuts? control freak? or just the other word for donkey?

okay, we had a very very stupid argument, That I tried very hard to just ignore and stay out of, because it was so stupid, it really was, but I want to clarify: it was he who started it. On a daily basis I am faced with a barage of "I don't want this on MY (or mine) table, my tv stand, my counter, my this or that" I'm the house wife, he's the provider, and most of the stuff was bought when we both worked. When the kids came (2) we made the decision together that I would stay home with them. And I do pretty good, the one is 8 and I'm involved in everything at her school, and all her extra activities. The other is 2 and is on damage control lol. my house is clean but not spotless, all three meals are made and sometimes even more. I take them to all they're appointments, and really in all the 8 years of the first and 2 years of the second,...he never has, not to any of them, in all the 4 years he's never once gotten the oldest off to school. Because he's the provider and I'm the housewife. He doesn't get out of the bed till 12 or 1pm, and if there is nothing to do that day? he'll come down and eat and go back up, to watch sports or whatever. Finally, yesterday I had it, and I explained to him, that as a marriage and as a partnership..nothing in this house is just his, especially the parts that I clean, or helped to buy. so what started this rampage? I sat one of our dinner dishes down on the hot hand he was looking for. from that, it turns out that I am disrespectful and unfocused and I don't pay attention. He wants me to move out on friday with our two kids. He always goes out with his friends, and I never say nothing, he always comes home past the 3am mark, and smells of beer or other alcohol, again, I never say anything. if he has missed one of the three meals I cook due to sleeping, or being out, when he comes in, he expects me to cook a new meal (he won't eat leftovers, and he won't make himself just a quick meal to eat, like a sandwich or bowl of cereal) normally I will and not complain, because he does work his *** off for us. But then I get so damned resentful when he pulls the punches and just wants to start an argument over something so damn stupid, its like..I placed a dish on a hot hand and suddenly I'm the worst person ever? what the hell?

8 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    Call his bluff. Take the kids a leave for a couple of days. When there's no one around to cook, pick up after him, etc., he'll call begging. Then, the ball would be in your court. This will then be your opportunity to set some ground rules.

    My husband is sometimes anal like this. The towels have to be 1 way; what shouldn't be on his side table, no one to sit on his recliner. One day, I said to h*ll with it. I okayed the kids to sit on his recliner, I told him HE can't put such and such on MY side table, etc.

    Just give him a small dose of his own medicine after he begs you to come back.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I don't answer many of these any more, but you are in a corner, hon. I hope this helps.

    Marriage is a partnership, isn't it? And as such, you two agreed that you would be the stay at home mom, and he'd be the provider. Fair enough.

    But you are getting little respect for your role. As the homemaker, you are getting trounced. No guy ought to think you are his personal meal maker at the drop of a hat, and left overs ought to be just perfectly fine.

    Problem is, you have allowed this to occur. He has slowly and relentlessly painted you into this corner. (An that is pretty damn mean spirited.) And as well believes it is perfectly fine for you to accept that he goes out with his drinking buddies until 3am.)

    As a little side note, kids have always been a girly thing, and men often aren't much involved. But Fathers are! And so far, from this posting, he's simply the sperm donor.

    Marriage is for sure Admiration Respect, Passion and Trust. I'm guessing at this point there is very little of the first two. So your marriage is pinging along at 50%. Last I remember 50% was an F in school... gotta be an F in marriage too..

    You could play tit for tat, and go get a job, and just be unavailable. If there is no food from the store? oh, well. If dinner isn't ready because you are late? oh well. And if you picked the kids up late from the sitters and you and they ate out together instead of coming home? oh, well. If you weren't there to fix it for the family? oh, well.

    But this in the end, won't solve your problem. Your problem is a non-participating husband and father to your children.

    No one said having kids was easy. He doesn't appear to understand this.

    A respectful husband and father doesn't expect his wife to be his personal servant... he needs an attitude adjustment here, hon, and he won't get it unless the two of you get some couples' counseling. Your marriage appears to be an undeclared war, when it ought to be each helping the other in all your combined roles...wage earner, father, mother, homemaker, cook, shopper, chauffeur, etc., etc.

    In a word, your husband is a resentful baby, and you need to find out why.... Is he a control freak? Is he angry? And if so, at what? Does he have a sweetie on the side? Or is he just a basic jerk? And why would he expect you to be so subservient? Is his arm broken to go make a sandwich?

    You write well, so you have skills to work. And if you do so, then half of the household duties then become his...fair is fair.

    And though all of them are now yours, he has pushed it into rudeness and inconsideration...if what you have said here is at all true.

    Sweetie, you and he need some counseling on how to agree that it is a home to which you each contribute. And as well, remain each respectful of the other.

    And if he won't go, get an hour yourself.

    Source(s): teacher/counselor 26 years.
  • 1 decade ago

    I'd say he is the donkey and you are a saint for putting up with this for so long. You are right, marriage is a partnership and there is more to marriage than being a provider. There is supposed to be an emotional attachment to the one you married as well. Providing support to each other and waking up each day and asking oneself what I can do for that person today that would make life a little easier. I seriously doubt you are ever going to change this man. He is a jerk and I know I couldn't put up with such condescending behavior from the man that I married. I guess I would be packing my bags and leave by his deadline before he broke my spirit any longer. It is not a good environment for your children to be in. They deserve supportive parents who show love for one another and not belittlement. I really feel bad for you. I wish I had some other good advice, but again, you have put up with crap for alot longer than I ever would have.

  • 1 decade ago

    He's not coming home until 3 am and he's fighting about stupid stuff tells me that he's having an affair. I lived this! I guarantee, if you have him followed by a PI, you will find he is meeting some woman. Go see an attorney, because you aren't happy living like this, but hire a PI first, see what they find. They aren't that expensive. My husband got like this too after I stopped working. Find out if he's cheating first, then go from there. And, who cares what he wants about you moving out. No court would make you and the children move out. My kids and I got the house, in our divorce. He's in for an eye opener about the cost of the divorce, cost of support for the children, and you, because you stay home with the children. Do not listen to what he tells you that you have to do, talk to an attorney first, tomorrow, ok? Ask around for a good one, it matters, and good luck.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Okay... the moral of the story is that you married the wrong man. He is controlling and disrespectful and you and your children deserve so much better. Why do you continue to accept this behavior? You should see an attorney as soon as possible and seek a divorce from this unappreciative, disrespectful man.

    Good luck to you.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    he beta learn to respect u or he can just **** off....its the 21st century...U ARE NOT A HOUSEWIFE!!!...u r a mother and a wife...the 2 most difficult jobs ever created....that status deserves respect

    getting up at 1pm...going out with the boys...returning at 3am....doesnt sound like much of a provider 2 me

    u should b aiming a little higher than a bum!!...goodluck with dumping the bastard

  • 1 decade ago

    He is nuts, a control freak AND the other word for a donkey. You deserve better treatment than that!

  • Meggie
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Pls just relax en be good but in one way can you leave the house one day en he do everything ,with kids too.

    Just give him some break with the kids too

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