What is wrong with me?
I dont know where to start. Anyway all my life i have felt the need to impress my teachers, ever since nursery. I am nearly 15 years old now. I have a HUGE crush on my teacher, i have always had crushes on only teachers, but this one is obsessive and i come hoem crying almost every day because i love her so much and know nothing can or will ever happen. I have a happy life, both mother and father roles, can talk to my mum and best mates etc so i dont need a parenting role or anything like that.
I am really interested in serial killers, psychology and mental illness and have been studying these since i was 11. People think im sadistic for these interests (but am not evil and would never harm anyone). Everyone thinks im disturbing and wierd and lots of people think i am a "psycho". I think its cos of my body language and interests.
Last year i managed to convince myself i have bipolar, tehn it was borderline, then it was schizotypal because i seemed to have all those symptoms. When i told my mum all this, she made iot clear to me that i was being stupid and i began to confide in her and all that stuff and eveything was forgotten about and i was happy apart from obsessing over my crush.
Last year, i concerned the teachers by writing song lyrics in my books about the hatred of my absent dad and all this other stuff. I was always paranoid and over concerned about what my teachers thought about me but now i am convinced that they all think that im a wierd messed up freak and am always really nervous around them.
Anyway, i look and act a lot different tro others and have short spiky purple hair and my teachers had a go at me for it. Everything was sorted oput eventually after my teacher said my hair looked a bloody mess. I was allowed to wear it but now i think all my teachers hate me and gossip about me behind my back and think im a freak. Im still in love with the teacher and always self harm about her everytiem i see her cos it hurts loving her when she is either scared of me cos of the way i am around her or is secretly laughing at me.
I told my mum this and she said im being paranoid about it and i need to let go of this whole rediculous crushing and being paranoid over teachers.
I seem to revolve my life completely around my reputation to teachers at school. Im always daydreaming about impressing teachers (and i mean always) which is probably one of the reasons i get so nervous around them.
All that ive said by the way is the only things i am. All this takes over me completely
Sorry for the long story. i just want to know if i need help or something