I don't really want to attend my daughter's wedding. She's also given me an ultimatum. What?

I lived with her father, the control freak, for 13 years. I'm sick to death of control and ultimatums. I'm tempted to bow out and not attend. I asked her if it was so important, did it really mean she didn't want me there? She says she wants me there, if I follow her rules.

I might fly in for the ceremony and leave, immediately. I'm sick to death of other's rules.

Update:

Whoa! My daughter wants a 3-day shindig. I get along with the second wife, he divorced for the third wife, who I knew in high school, his ex girl-friend.

I attended the engagement party, including new wife, ex-wife and extended family, by myself.

I can stand representing myself for one day, her wedding day. It's tough being alone in that crowd for hours, much less days.

Who else is a single parent dealing with multiple ex-families? It's harder than you think, when you're alone.

Update 2:

As always, I have to be nice. I have a problem being nice when I was treated badly.

I've been nice to the last ex for years, when she saw things my way and the ex dumped her 2 days before my daughter's graduation. He dumped my daughter and ex, for his current wife.

I'm not allowed to be catty, ask my ex if he has plans to dump his current wife and make another memorable milestone in my daughter's life. His father exceeded his legal marriage quota.

I will attend my daughter's wedding, keep my mouth shut and leave. I can't stand 3 days.

45 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I wonder if you noticed how many times you used the word "I"? It's not about you, it's about your daughter's wedding, and she obviously wants you there because you are her mom and she loves you. Think about it!!!

  • 4 years ago

    Its a tough situation darling. I had a similar one except it wasn't just a guest, it was my ex who happens to be my husband's best friend. My parents strongly dislike my ex and didn't want him at the wedding and really weren't happy that he was in the wedding, and surprise, the day of the wedding, my husband made him his best man. I didn't have any problems with it, my husband, ex, and I all get along great! But my dad was barely even civil to my ex, I think he spoke less than 10 words to him the whole day and he was even there to help set up before the wedding. I personally don't think they should give an ultimatum, I think its rude of them to because it is your day and you want to be surrounded by the people you love, not by just your parents pick of guests. Maybe write a letter to your mom about how much it would mean for both your parents and your friend to be at the wedding. A wedding lasts a few hours, and while it might be hard on your parents, I'm sure they could be civil for that long to someone they don't like.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    OK let me put it this way - Do You LOVE your daughter?

    Do you realize you are "punishing" her b/c of her Father?

    All that I hear in your posts are negativities towards your Ex.

    She has a RIGHT to tell you to not be catty or do anything that will ruin her day - this day is NOT about You or HER FATHER or the EX's it is HER & HER FIANCE's WEDDING DAY

    My father is on his 3rd marriage and when my sister was married 2 yrs ago - she & I talked before hand - she was worried b/c our Father & Aunt (Mom's sister) DO NOT GET ALONG - I gave her this advice ( Since I was the oldest and had 3 kids and had to deal with combined family events like Bday's/Baptisms/Etc..)

    Tell everyone involved -

    "You have a Choice Act Like An Adult (Be Polite & Respectful) - Do NOT Cause Problems - Do NOT Make Any Scenes - Do NOT Make Snide/Catty/Rude Comments - FAKE IT IF YOU HAVE TO OR DO NOT COME But Remember this is NOT ABOUT YOU/YOUR ISSUES/PROBLEMS It Is OUR Special Day & I will NOT Have it Ruined b/c of the Issues You Have with Others. By The Way I am having the Same Conversation with EVERYONE that I know has problems with other members of MY Family - No Matter Which Side They Are From."

    You know what - Because I had laid the Ground "Rules" 9 years before when my first daughter was born - My sister didn't have any problems b/c everyone Respected Her & Her Fiance and put their personal issues aside and acted like Adults.

    Granted it is an Ultimatium but since this is for your daughter - You should be more than willing to do this.

    If you can't put your issues aside for 3 days then you might want look into Therapy as your hatred for your Ex is not only hurting you it is hurting your daughter and everyone else who is around you.

    BTW Anger and Negativity can lead to Health Problems

  • 1 decade ago

    If I had to guess, it sounds like you are dealing with much bigger issues and just need to vent. Which I see you have done.

    Weddings are a stressful time for everyone, and for broken families even more so.

    I know you are sick of putting yourself last...but really examine this. How do you think your DAUGHTER feels? Her father is the same man that you are referring to! She has to deal with it too! And she has to worry about all the other stresses of planning a wedding in this day and age on top of that.

    You daughter simply wants to have a fun family affair. 3 day "wedding weekends" are not unheard of. Most people enjoy them. She is not trying to tourture you! Remember that she has to consider herself, her fiance, and the wishes of other guests too.

    If you do not want to stay for all 3 days, don't. Take your daughter (and her fiance if you wish) out for a private dinner before the wedding. Then stay for the ceremony/immediate reception and fly home. I'm sure not all guests/relatives will be staying for the entire 3 days.

    Or, tough it out and make this one sacrifice for your daughter. Don't punish her for things outside her control. I hate to sound mean, but it was YOU who married her father and had children with him!

    Sorry for the tough love, but divorced couples need to stop acting like children. It's behavior like this that leads to divorce in the first place. Life is about "rules" only if you see it that way. You could say your daughter has set "rules" by having a 3 day wedding weekend, but I see nothing to suggest that. She is living her life and doing what makes her happy. Don't let your immature husband or his new wife stop you from living yours. Isn't that what you want to avoid?

    It sounds like she is desparetely trying to ensure that her feuding parents follow some sort of decorum by setting likely harmless "ground rules". Or perhaps she is so stressed that you 2 may fight that she doesn't want you to come at all. Talk to her. She is probably hurting and stressed more than you know.

    In the end, if you really just don't want to attend a 3 day weekend event for your daughter's wedding, then do not. Be upfront on honest about your reasons, provided you really don't like golfing, BBQ's, socials, etc. and would rather just stay for the ceremony.

    Good luck!

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  • Jess
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    What are her rules? It's hard to judge whether she is being reasonable or not without knowing any details but if you really don't want to go, then don't go. However, give it careful consideration- you will miss a very important day in your daughters life. Will you regret not going? Will it cause more problems between you if you don't go? Will she resent you for missing her wedding?

    It kind of depends on what the rules are but I would tend to just follow them for this one day to keep the peace and be there for your daughter.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    When you first got married wasn't that an important day for you?

    This is your daughter's special day and she DOES want you there but I think she knows how you feel about her father. (That's what the rules are probably for... Just do not talk to her father). Be civilized and gracious. YOU be the best and nicest parent that you are. Be proud to be your daughter's mother. This is a very special day for her. If you do not go then don't expect her to show you any sympathy in a time of need or even your grandchildren for that matter. She is trying to grow and move on with her life. Do not bring your past relationship with her father into the picture even if he is there as well. Be proud that she is your daughter, look gorgeous and GO! If you don't, you'll regret it later.

  • 1 decade ago

    Grow up already. If you are old enough to have a child getting married, you are old enough to act like an adult and attend her wedding. Don't give in to any ultimatum, that's your daughter emulating your childish behavior and you should have taught her better, but you didn't so now she's bridezilla. Although if her only rules are don't be mean to my father and his current wife, she's absolutely right. You do not have the right to ruin her wedding so you can get back her ex. GROW UP.

  • 1 decade ago

    boy you sound really self centered, Just like my mother who is doing the exact same crap.

    GROW UP!!! Let me tell you You will ruin your relationship with your daughter if there is any left at this point.

    You reallly want to hurt her on her wedding day if you do you are sick ....

    just because you are all jaded because your marriage to her father didn't work out . GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH SOME GRACE.

    she wants you there end of story so what if you have to play by the rules .. what, not to fight with you ex husban? be nice ?

    maybe she gave you and ultimatum because you need some boundiers and you need some rules. because you can not see how you are acting ..

  • jl
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    forget the father that not your husband anymore. and stop projecting your anger with him on YOUR daughter.

    I haven't even heard your daughters side of the story but yours stinks. You don't give a bride a hard time on her wedding day.

    Period.

    You managed to live with the control freak for 13 years, aka, 4732 days. Letting your daughter have one day isn't going to break you.

    EDIT:

    Now your making more sense. You don't have to do anything with your EX and his Family other than be civil. That would be above and beyond. But being there for your daughter the wedding day is a must. And while being around for 3 days of festivities is not required, you might want to make yourself available for the rehersal dinner. Besides, blow them away, bring a date to the rehersal dinner. I'm sure you can find someone to escort you, Not a date or anything, just someone you can talk to and keep the feral pack guessing.

  • 1 decade ago

    This is your daughter, can't you deal with it, just to see her get married? Pardon my french, but phooey on your husband, the control freak. Ignore him. You can sit next to someone and still ignore them.

    You did not say what her rules were, wish you had. I would like to know.

    Really it is up to you, go or stay home. But you will someday regret it if you did not go, see her in her dress.

    And I would not let anyone scare you off of going to the reception either. Again, so what if you have to sit next to control freak the whole time, you are the mother of the bride, and out rank everyone there except the bride and groom.

    Go buy a really appropriate, gorgeous dress, do your hair and make-up, and go and keep your head up, and a smile on your face, and make sure the world does not suspect that you would really have rather of told the whole bunch off, and stayed home with the cat and a book.

  • 1 decade ago

    What kind of rules could she have for her mother at the wedding?

    Be there for at least the ceremony, if you don't that would rob you as much as your daughter.

    I didn't want any ones input into my wedding besides my husbands so we planned the whole thing and sent invitations (1 week earlier) to our parents and then sent the rest out.

    That way everything was planned and every family member (mothers) had to do nothing but enjoy. So much stress was avoided that way.

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