Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    i don't remember it excatly..but it's something like this:

    a mokney is getting high in tree. a lizard sees him and asks to join. so the monkey and lizard are getting high. the lizard gets thirsty so he goes to drink some water. he falls into the water. an alligarter sees him and rescues him, then asks what he was doing. the lizard tells him he was getting high in the tree with the money.

    the alligator decides to go check it out. he goes to the tree and the money looks down and says 'damn how much water did you drink!?!?"

    here are some more...

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

    He turned to the second Mom, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

    At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, ****, we're outta here!''

    Nervous preacher?

    A new priest was at his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

    The Monsignor replied, "Sometimes we all get a little nervous. It happens to everyone, so don't worry about it. When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a tiny sip."

    The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. He felt overjoyed with himself for having conquered fear.

    However, when he returned to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door :

    There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ***."

    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

    David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.

    When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

    We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

    When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

    The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

    The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

    There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    SIP THE VODKA - DON'T GULP IT

    Dear Mom & Dad,

    Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call

    Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty. If it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast. It's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You

    can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

    Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just

    food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

    Love, Jimmie

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    How much is 2 + 2?

    A blonde has been attending Blonde International Training College, a school set up to give blondes a chance to make it in the real world, for 10 years. She keeps failing this one class that she needs to graduate : basic math. The administrators need to get her out to make room for new students, but can't just give her the grade. So, they instead decide to ask her a simple math question at the graduation ceremony. If she answers correctly, she graduates.

    Sure enough, she fails the class again, and shouldn't walk across the stage, but the admins invite her to the ceremony. They stand her before everyone and say, "Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?" The blonde thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Four." The crowd stands up in objection and demands, "Give her another chance!!"

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  • 1 decade ago

    The joke I'm thinking of would probably be reported by other users as obscene (against Yahoo policy). Too many sensitive people here..so much for freedom of speech!

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  • 4 years ago

    A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail". ----------------------------------------... An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" ----------------------------------------... The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

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  • 1 decade ago

    some joke about gorilla cookies that my friend told me back in sixth grade

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