Dear Lilly, 1/21/1999
the next 9 years are going to be easier than the last 3, but please understand, it won't be easy to get thru everything ahead of you. Your best friend, J. moves out of the country and cuts all ties with everyone, it's brutal. I'm really sorry. She has been a good friend to you, but she's not your bff. She's just your bf4now. You and her have had some great times, and in 1 year you will understand. Oh, my gosh, this is the date that Dad get's in yet, another auto accident. Do what you always do, make that 2 hour drive, and plan on staying 2 weeks. You will find much joy, rewards, in this trying and tirering times ahead of you, many changes! But that's life, you already know, it's a merry-go-round, up and down. Enjoy the ride! You always have!
When you move, it's not the end of the world! Release and Let Go of all that teaching stuff you have not used and moved with you 3 times already. The place you move to, is your ideal dream home. Don't freak out when you come back from vacation and find the house you have been renting has been listed on the market while you were in Tahiti, don't take it personally. You will be amazed how many people show up and move you. I know you hate moving, The move is 3 miles west and close to the ocean, it's a great wonderful home!
Please, Please, toss out all that clutter and don't move all that useless junk. I still have it in boxes, and have been sorting thru a roomful of stuff trying to expunge myself of the past. Donate, let go, release!! Everything is replacable. Do buy yourself new clothes and toss out the old ones, it's a habbit I have just recently aquired, and YES...I've even donated bags of unworn clothing, and my favorite old Nike's. I know all about the Nike Fetish, don't worry, they make a new and better style every year and that's your vise, go for it! Your feet support your body. Spoil them with air shox! (what are those?) you will buy them, believe me! Buy Slippers for the house, so your feet don't get cold, and in a couple years, you will be wearing pj's again! I know!?! sounds crazy?
I'm really proud of the way you have taken care of Dad with his oncology treatments. It's been rough, but Mom and Dad really do need you, and will always reley on you love, and generousity. That's what you do Lilly, you are a Care-giver, a Nurturer, you are good at it, don't fight this natural part of yourself. Dad is in remission! You and he call one another everyday, sometimes just to tease on another, and some days you spend hours on the phone. *OH, don't tease him when you meet his new lady friend. It's just a phase, don't take it personallly. You are Daddy's #1 Girl. I know Dad loves to tease, but he hates to have the tables turned. Respect his "privacy in the romance dept." It's short lived, and he really needs and enjoys her company. You and your mr. spend every Christmas with him, except for one, he actually comes and visits you 4-6 times a year, and gives you a helping hand. Thank him. Have compassion. He's a control freak, and that never changes, accept "as is", I have.
I want you to walk the dog everyday, and sit in the sunshine everyday it comes out for at least 20 minutes.
It's good for your health, and will make your bones warm. You will travel a lot, but the Travel job is just for kicks, the perks run out soon, you will be happy to know you work with children and music and movement really pays off!! Turning 40 was fun, but the next 9 years are gonna change your health. Please donate those books and don't hord them, circulate them, and donate your teaching supplies.
Don't spend idle time on Ebay, it's very addictive, it's not your friend. Those sellers just want your money. Don't spend money or reward yourself for going thru a scary medical treatment, or expensive dental work.
Keep listening to your favortie music, and turn off the tv.
When you can't sleep, read, when you can't read, listen to music. Try to set the alarm and get out of bed by 10 am, and get dressed everyday. Sweat suits are better than PJ's and Jeans and a comfy tee are with slippers when you don't feel like wearing shoes.....cuz i know how you love to run around barefoot. But, do get dressed everyday, wear make-up. I know you think this is crazy now, cuz you shower 2-3 times a day. Take time to soak in the tub, and go ahead and slpurge on that expensive German bath oil, the scented kind keeps your spirits up. *i know you are are screaming out loud now "what PJ's??" but you live in them for a while.
Turn of the News, it's very depressing. Keep in touch with the people you meet, you don't know who you will want in your life, and friendships come and go. YOU will be amazed how well you and your Mom get along. I know it sounds unbelivable now. Don't spoil your neice Liza, she's not your life! Don't skip out on those 6 month dental cleannings, you already value the teeth you have now, and just trust me, when you don't think you can go out, call a CAB! I did, and DO ask for help, you will be amazed how generous people can be if you just ask. The most casual people you meet, can be the most willing to help.
I'm really proud of how tough you are, you made me who I am today, but DO lighten up your load, you don't have to carry what your siblings won't. If you break, or start to fall, you don't have to be sick to say no. You don't have to wait to be injured or hurt to get a massage. Do continue to take those chances, and I can tell you, you will never give up. Your love for your father is priceless, and he does tell you he's really proud of you. He even will say "sorry" and "thank YOU" one day! It won't be easy, but We make it through Mom's long, long process of dying. You are the best thing that your parents have ever had! AND they know it! They are just too proud to tell you.
AND, by the way, If you didn't have your hand on your back patting your own shoulder, there would be room for other's to do that for you! Relax and enjoy the ride. You are very bright, it's not what you accomplish, it's how you spend your time, and sometimes the luxury of time is the greatest of gifts. You will understand when I write this to you in 9 years.
Thanks for taking care of Mom and Dad, you really stepped up, and oh, by the way.......your husband found sobriety over 5 years ago, he never missed a day of work, and never has slipped, and your love is stronger now than ever. Honey, you worry way too much. Don't be so serious. Your greatest gift is the love you give, and the time you spend with others.
Keep on writing in your journal, don't only write when you are down. Don't be afraid to write down those unimaginable feelings. No one reads your journal. Be sure to delete your email sent items, and inbox in 2003. Don't use it as a journal when you email your chat friends. keep it in your private account. Do write, It's always saved your sanity! Learn to Let GO, you do this, I know it's not easy to relax, but you learn how!
Don't cheat yourself, go out and treat yourself!
My mother was sick and dying from the time i was 9or 12. it just took her 29 1/2 yrs, to do that last 6 months the Doctor's said she had left. It really hurt, and I built a wall of stone so her death wouldn't hurt me, and I moved in and cared for her the last 4 months of her life, and we got her on hospice.