Supermom asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 1 decade ago

Help with my child's friendships..?

Okay, please don't take me as a sterio type of snob. Read my whole question before you judge because I am genuinly a concerned parent.

My daughter is at that age where she has started having a lot of girl friends from school. They are coming over to spend the night and have sleep overs etc.

My husband and I make a point to always let the parents know who we are and let them get to know us because you can't be too safe no adays with your children.

My problem is this; the last two times we have gone to the other parents house to pick up their daughter, I was sick! I was absolutley appauled. The filth, the clutter, the pets that one family living in a house too small for the family shouldn't have, like a pet rat!! Come on...who has three small children and has a rat for a pet?

I talked to one of my girlfriends about my concerns and she told me I was being a snob. That maybe they can't afford any better. I don't agree. I grew up poor and my mother always had a clean house regardless!

Update:

This last child to spend the night her is ten years old and she is talking about, (humping). I asked her what she knows about that and she said, just what my Mom tells my Dad, "Go hump yourself". OKay....I have talked to my daughter about sex but humping yourself?? Come on, what king of parent says that in front of a child?

I don't know what to do.. I don't want to choose my daughter's friends but I can't handle this!

Update 2:

Just so I make this clear okay, My husband and I are not rich. We live in a modest house with one bathroom etc..But it is clean, it doesn't cost that much for a can of Comet!

Update 3:

There is a rat, gerbals, three cats, two dogs, a bird, the house is no more than 600 sq. feet and they have three children. Clutter no, filth yes!

Update 4:

Okay, for all the people who think I am judging, if I wasn't open minded I wouldn't have let my daughter stay at the last house. She came home crying because she smelled crap and yurn all night! She ended up with a rash that I had to take her to the hospital over. I am a working parent and my house isn't always perfect but for a woman that stays home and doesn't work to have the house that filthy I just don't think it is right!! What does she do all day?

11 Answers

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  • LC
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago
    Best answer

    I'll take you as a concerned parent who takes the time to know where her daughter is and who she is spending time with. Here's my take on your problem.

    I'd let the pet rat issue go. They actually make great pets, assuming we're not talking an alley rat, but an actual PET rat and it's adequately cared for. The cleanliness of the other household is something you don't have control over and while it would make you feel better if the place was looked after better, the other parent might have a problem such as depression that keeps them from effectively keeping up a house. I was going to say that maybe that sloppy parent had some great qualities that go beyond the value of a clean house. I've known at least two women who kept houses you couldn't find a clear space to sit down in. They were both unusually fine people in other ways that served their children remarkably in the area of personal values.

    Okay, but this other household does have a real problem with appropriate behavior around children. the "humping" talk has no place in front of children and if your daughter spends time at that other house, she may come home with ideas you are going to be unable to have her unthink. If she was several years older, I wouldn't be as concerned, because then her peers will be talking in more alarming ways than this mother is now, but she's only ten. While the other family could give you ample subject matter for discussion--something of value, really--it makes sense to me to have the other girl visit at your home, but to strictly limit the amount of time your daughter is at the other home. You can monitor the conversation better and as an adult, you can expect the girl to be willing and learn to expect what is allowed at your home. I'd talk with her calmly and matter of factly about things like that language. She certainly can't be talking like that at school without immediate correction, so you don't have to feel that the idea of different speech for different places is foreign to her.

    I've found that forbidding children to be friends with other kids doesn't work, but talking with them does. We talk about the qualities in the other person that my child values. What makes them a good friend? What qualities do they like about that person? I have let my children be the judges of who is a worthwhile person. They haven't let me down. In one case, my older son had a friend I had reservations about. We'd discussed it, he'd been open to the conversation. The boy did one unminor, but not major gaffe at our house and was forgiven. In time, however, he began using drugs, as I feared he would. This kid had been my son's oldest friend. They had been friends for seven years or so. When the boy became a drug user, my son stopped socializing with him. Period.

    Sometimes our children are very good at growing up. They need us to look out for them and to be wise about it.

    Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    I am assuming that you have absolutely no information on rats as pets.

    A rat will never deficate outside of his cage (can we say the same for a dog crapping on your living room rug?). Rats are very intelligent and will come when you call their name (most cats do not do this).

    I have 2 small children and a very clean house.

    I have a dog, 2 cats, and yes a pet rat. Out of the four pets the rat is the best behaved.

    As for the housekeeping in other peoples homes is it just cluttered or is there actually a real need to be concerned?

  • finely
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    sure and for sturdy reason, at the same time as they Get Married you're evaluate Taken off the courting Scene, once you've little ones you do not have Time for a personal existence, you should look after your little ones for over two decades of your existence, yet they're some Couples who comes to a decision now to not have little ones carry on to their Friendships and Careers, Its best to no longer get Married and by no ability have any little ones meaning you've time to your self. in case you do not have a Husband or little ones you're Friendships will be effective, Celibacy is the purely to shop your Friendships You get Married you receives offended at your acquaintances taking your guy, or you've little ones you receives offended at something they do no longer know what they are doing all of your Friendships will be in Jeopardy. stay Celebant

  • 1 decade ago

    Just because they have a pet rat doesnt mean they are unfit people. And maybe you shouldn't judge people on there homes. They could still be great people. you could go into a perfectly clean home and find that its the home of a murderer. I think that is like judging a book by its cover. If the children dont seem abused or act strange when there at your house or act strange when you mention their home lives then i sugguest you dont worry about it.

    I know perfectly decent people that have lived with Cockroaches because they couldn't afford to move. That doesnt mean thats their fault.

    It also depends on how you were brought up.

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  • 1 decade ago

    If your daughter is only 10 years old, you have the responsiblity to at least partially choose her friends, for the reasons you have just stated. Do not allow her to visit homes where you feel the environment is unsafe or unhealthy. Visit her friends' homes before you allow her to stay there.

    This can be a horrible world for many children...do not allow yours to be subjected to the horror. So, you might be called a "snob" by some people. It's YOUR daughter, and YOU have the responsibility of raising her. Good luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Depends on the person, I guess. Maybe someone just doesn't care about it like you and I do. I wouldn't want my children to go into that house too, but only for health reasons, not because they are poor. Some people just can't afford to live like you do, but they can definitely remove that rat from their place.

  • 1 decade ago

    My daughter is ten and I am appalled by the same reasons you are at some of the things I see. How a person keeps their house is almost always a reflection of that person. When it comes to my daughter, if there is someone that she wants to hang out with that we don't approve of, then they don't hang out. Somewhere along the way on our society, parents have stopped being parents and started being "buddies." Personally, at this point in my daughter's life, whether or not she likes our decisions is not important to me, but making the right decision on her behalf is.

  • 1 decade ago

    It takes all-sorts to make a world,and without presuming you are a snob,i will say you are one of the lucky people who have made it out of the deep-hole of poverty.

    I wouldn't stop your child mixing,nor blame the children she mixes with for the situation they are in.

    There can be some beautiful people who rise from the downtrodden,and it shows how wonderful your child is,to look beyond the filth and bad attitude to see it.

    We all lose that when we grow and become ignorant to the inner beauty of people.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i understand where ur coming from...but really u don't know anything about this family....it might be a worrie but u should leave it alone stay out of it..one thing u could do is don't let ur daughter sleep there but than u might have some problems like ur daughter not understanding why she can sleep there...u really cant do anything about it...ur not a snob..u just worrie all i think u should do is leave it alone cause if u say something than it might turn into a fight so just leave it for now that's my opinion

  • 1 decade ago

    Well I can say that I try to keep a clean house all the time ( it's never FILTHY) however it's hard to always keep it clean and yet my friends who love me accept that and love me anyways. I do think it's snobby, no offense, for you to judge anyone and especially based on thier housekeeping skills

    I think as parents we should worry more about drug addicts and perverts than good housekeeping

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