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  • My wife can't sleep if I am not in the bed, making me have to go to bed earlier than I want taking my only free time, what can I do?

    My wife and I are both 37  and have been married for 8 years. We have 3 & 5 year-old boys, and are usually pretty good at talking through and resolving conflict. But, we have one issue that keeps coming up. I find it really easy to fall asleep, but it takes her 30-90 minutes every night. The conflict is that she wants me to come to bed every night, lights out at 10pm. She says that no matter how quietly I come in later, the knowledge that I’m going to come in later keeps her up.

    I prefer to stay up a little later than 10pm – our kids don’t finally get totally settled (all done with their efforts to come back out of their bedroom for another glass of water or another hug) until 8, which means that by the time we’ve eaten dinner and done housework, it’s 9:30.

    I find it so depressing to not be able to spend an hour watching TV or reading. My feelings: It’s an extension of the way that our kids have taken away all autonomy from me – that last hour of the day is my space to control my life & it feels awful to have that taken away by needing to immediately go to bed when the day’s work is done. I deeply empathise with my wife’s need for sleep, but I need my own time for self-care, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to

    From my wife’s perspective, it’s unfair for me to choose to keep her up every night – it means that she doesn’t get the sleep she needs (and deserves) to be able to function at her job, with our kids, and to enjoy her life.

    15 AnswersFamily2 months ago