Help! please, I'm so lost. Should I go for it or forget it?

Question

I feel like I'm trapped in a never-ending abyss..the harder I struggle the deeper I fall..

I live in a competitive family, my dad, mom, aunts, uncles graduated from top universities around the world. My cousins, brother and I are studying in the top colleges/high schools in the country. Since young, "my mission" in life is to compete, in terms of academics, with my cousins, classmates, my parents' colleages' children. I've topped the class for years, but now I only find myself in a pile of x, all drained out from the pressure they've imposed on me. My grades were still good at the start of the year, then it got worse as I found myself getting tired and losing hope. My brother's been doing very well, he's gotten a president scholarship just recently, and that drew in more insults and caustic remarks from my family about my intellectual capability, which made me lose even more confidence in myself..

I was born a shy girl, partly owing to the fact that I was born into a strict family. Not merely strict but favouring boys much more than girls. My brother's never been reproached even if he does something wrong, but I love him anyway. On the other hand, I was caned, insulted, cursed even when I did nothing wrong at all. I have been told that "you're useless" "you should just go and die" "how I wished I only had your brother as my child" since I was really young, it crumbled my self-esteem, and without the most fundamental family support, I just feared and refused to talk to anyone. I always wanted to be alone. I have many friends, but I only stick to one, cuz I always thought a true friend (rather than many fair-weathered friends) is sufficient. She is really understanding, but sometimes she teases me so much she doesn't know it's hurting me. Partly because she was unintentionally reinforcing what my family was telling me. Still again, I have never had a goal in life, because whatever plans I had in mind would be foiled by my family. Unlike my brother, I nvr had what I wanted, be it material possessions or just my personal aspirations. Now my grades are a total mess, but I feel so tired of trying, I just feel like breaking apart. All the criticisms and insults, they're finding their way in I feel like I can't fend them off anymore. I know only my bestie is standing by me, though I really yearn for some family warmth, I know they'll never love me as much as I love them. I sought suicide several times before, but what impeded me eventually was the constant reminder that I still have my mom and dad to look after when they're older. So all these years that has been my only reason to live...

I love singing, I always did. I love drawing as well. But I know all these would only be a dream that would never come true. During the talentime finals this year, I sang my heart out. But the knowledge that my family was there dented my confidence on stage. I knew they would jeer at me, and I didn't knw why they had to be there. That night, I underperformed. Since then my bro's been telling me "I shouldn't have gone. I was so ashamed to be there I hid my face when you appeared." And he kept bringing up those bleak memories even months after that night. I've tried to pull myself together, now admidst all the mess I'm in now, I really yearn to participate in this singing contest outside school. But my mom gave an emphatic NO even before I finished my sentence...because I've done badly in my recent tests. I'm so lost, I don't know, I just feel so empty inside. This is my only dream in life, and I don't want to watch it pass by me helplessly... I thought it could be the only way I prove to myself I'm of some worth, but they're not giving me the chance. If I defy her, things may only get worse...


What should I do? The registration deadline is 6 Nov... Please help...Thank you soso much..

Additional Details

I am 17, still in college btw

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

From what you've written, I concluded that you are quite a well-educated girl who is in a total loss of direction.

First, I'd like to say that you're really blessed to even have an education and the fact that you've already topped your class or school more than once has said enough that you have a certain intellectual standard there! You're not dumb at all. And stop with all those chasing after and competition thing. It's not worth it, wasting your time on what is not your passion. You think your cousins or brother really love studying? I bet they might just be studying for the sake of it. Perhaps they might feel as empty as you, just that they don't appear so. And let me tell you. My cousins and close family friends around me have done quite well academically too and i was always subjected to competition and comparisons by parents and friends. It's not easy and it gets tiring. Initially, i thought i could bear with it but later one, i found that that wasnt what i wanted. So what if they got good grades? So what if they become some important personnel or famous people? Does that make you less of a person treasured by God? I was in a state similar to yours when i thought about this and really we're quite similar. I love to sing and draw. The are the top two things i feel most happy doing. And I started thinking that not eveyrone's the same and everybody had their own niche, y'know? Why pursue someone else's niche when you had your own. And you can easily beat them in this area. :) So don't lose hope and keep going okay?

As for what your parents / friends/ brother thinks, you really shouldn't need to care. Just try your best in eveyrthing and that would be enough. Listen to Switchfoot's song, " Let that be enough" and you'll feel very much comforted by its lyrics. I, as a fellow human being here on this Earth cares for you and really wish you'd pursue your lovely dreams and find hope in life. Cuz it's not about how great your grades are, or how smart you are. Rather, what KIND of person you are. Live your life to the fullest and without regrets in the end. There's a true and living God out there who cares for you. Maybe you're a lost sheep that has to be found. Seek Him and you shall find Him. He loves and cares for you, and so do i and the rest of the people here who cared to respond to you when you are in need.

All the Best for your future endeavours! I hope you'd find peace and hope in whatever you do and i hope you'd achieve what you really want in life, ultimately. :)

Source(s):

from the bottom of my heart

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

thank you(:

Answer 2

Go for it girl! You've only got 1 life, and you don't want to waste it being a slave to your parents' expectations.

This is YOUR life, so do what you have to do :)

Answer 3

I think you should go for it

Answer 4

go 4 it!

Answer 5

You've experienced abuse and rejection by family members, never gotten what you really wanted, and currently have a punishing schedule. No wonder you're depressed; no normal person could put up with that much pressure without cracking. As distressing as your feelings are, they are 100% normal given the circumstances.

That said, you are going to do two things. First, you are going to see one of the counselors at the student health center. (Just about every university in the world has counseling available to the students.) The second thing you are going to do is register for the singing contest. As a university student, you don't need your parents' permission or approval. And you can always back out later if you change your mind.

And stop worrying about how your parents will react to this. From what you've written, your parents have made a career out of withholding their love, guidance, and approval. If their reactions to you are almost always negative, despite your efforts to make them happy, you might as well do what makes you happy

Good luck, kid. I'm rooting for you.

Answer 6

I know you are very intelligent girl.You have hidden talent but you are not getting full support from other to explore your hidden talent.Don't worry I am with you.You should never loose your hope.You go for that with full confidence and I am sure you will win.All the best.